City Life: Crossing the Upper Deck of the Bay Bridge on Sun

On our way home to SF from El Cerrito.

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NaNoWriMo 2010 - Made the Minimum Deadline! Current Count 50,749 Words

For those of you who don't know what NaNoWriMo is here's another overview:

1. The idea is to write a novel of 50,000 words in one month (about 140 pages).
2. NaNoWriMo takes place every November.
3. It's sort of a contest but not really. People often ask what you "win" if you reach 50,000 words. You win some badges like the one I've posted on the right. The point of it isn't to "win" but to finish your novel in 30 days which is enough in itself since there are plenty of people in this world who talk on and on about writing a novel but never get past the first five pages.
   
4. I'm sure there are exceptions but for the most part the finished novel will be a rough first draft, and probably a "shitty" first draft as Anne Lamont put it so well in her classic book on writing "Bird by Bird."
   
5. No one tells you what to do with your novel when you're done. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue to work on it or move on to the next experience.
   

List of things I learned during this year's National Novel Writing:

• Just because I've done this before doesn't mean it was any easier. In fact, writing this story was much more difficult than the first one. This was partly due to the story subject matter (Post-Apocalyptic) and my own doubts and writing related meltdowns.
• The middle of the month is the worst. By the 25,000 mark I hated my story, my characters, and was thinking of throwing everything out even though I was caught up on my word count. I kept re-reading sections I'd already written and thinking the story was pretentious, stupid, and over-reaching. I was thinking things like I'm just a nobody who will never amount to anything. What am I doing with a novel in progress, a new novel, a short story, a blog? Thankfully, these feelings have passed, for now.
  
• I can write about 1,000 words in an hour, give or take a hundred. That's just laying down words without editing (or trying not to edit). Does it come out as gibberish? No, the story plot is intact, has character development and arc, plot twists, settings, lots of dialogue, description, and even the beginnings of my complex story world. The fact that my story does not come out as gibberish is an enormous blessing and I count myself lucky to have this ability.
• I was constantly surprised and still am. Several times while writing I pulled my hands off my keyboard and thought WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? WHAT DID THAT GUY JUST SAY/DO? It got to the point where I was worried the story was starting to careen out of control. For example, there's a new development that doesn't seem to fit with how I thought things were going to turn out for the two main characters. The best solution for a problem like this is to keep writing to see if everything comes together later.
• I'm still working on this first draft. Sure, I made it to over 50,000 words by today and had it verified but I need to finish this draft. I'm hoping it won't be more than 60,000 words.
  
• Establishing brilliant rituals really helps. One of my friends and I have been going to a cafe with excellent food in Lower Pac Heights in the evenings. She reads caselaw and I work on the novel. We've been doing this everyday now since Sunday. It's been fantastic.

Things I really like about this novel so far:

• The name: 56 Days.
  
• My descriptions of the morning the world ends on 11/22/2066 at 6:21 a.m. are BAD ASS! The world collapsing in on itself, the ground splitting open, massive earthquakes, and the sea rushing in from far away, a torrent of gorgeous blue water pouring into the gaping maw that used to be terra firma were so much fun to write.
  
• My two antagonists are virtually indestructible and I couldn't figure out why at first. I could have just left the reasons out but I really wanted to know the answer. Figuring it out a couple of days after I started writing was tremendously satisfying.
• So far there are a total of ten fight scenes involving explosions and fire, various firearms (twin revolvers, a Browning, and a shotgun), swords, an SUV, a trusty machete, and a very handy Uzi Submachine Gun that fires 600 rounds a minute.
• The first half of the novel is entitled "The End" and is about the end of the world. The second half is about what comes after.
• In the last sequence I wrote, two men are hanging off a hotel balcony above the Financial District in New York City on a beautiful clear night. Below them is New York Harbor and Battery Park. One falls, the other leaps after him. I have no idea what's going to happen next.
• All of these ideas, sections, characters, settings, story could change later.

Thanks for reading.

NaNoWriMo 2010 - 35,155 Words So Far

It's been tough but I'm getting closer. The story is crazy! I don't know what to make of it so far but it's surprising the hell out of me.

This story is all about relationships between the characters. It's odd since I'm writing about the end of the world and the horror that comes after. I thought it would be more about the situations that brought about the end of the world in the first place and the massive destruction that occurs but it's really about love, loyalty, friendship, and the miracle of creating a "family" in an environment where there's nothing left but violence, destruction, and certain death.

By my calculations I should finish this bad boy by Sunday. Have a great Turkey Day, everyone. I'll check in with you all on the weekend.

Speaking of Shiva...

So because of my mistake in the post below I started surfing around looking up Shiva Nataraja, the Hindu deity known as the Lord of the Dance. Shiva Nataraja in this incarnation is dancing the dances of creation and destruction.

I've always loved this image of Shiva dancing, one of my favorite images of all time. That person he's standing on represents human ignorance.

I'm not going to bother explaining what this is about because I can't really do it justice except to say that Shiva dances the dance of destruction (of the weary cosmos) to make way for the dance of creation (of the new cosmos). You can click on the link above for a bit more information.

It never occurred to me that there could be real dances but I found this one on YouTube and it's so beautiful. This video was uploaded to YouTube by Jakubstoll. I'm providing the link to the actual YouTube video for credit purposes.

Just looking at her posture, the placement of her hands, and when she lifts her leg in that iconic pose makes me happy. Enjoy!

City Life: Torso of Shiva...No, that's Buddha, in Front of City Hall

Saw this rather overwhelming sculpture while walking by.

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11:30 pm Addendum: Good thing I looked this up when I got home. That's Buddha, not Shiva. How embarrassing. I'm not used to seeing multi-headed Buddhas around so I hope I can be forgiven for my mistake. Yeah, I saw the lotus in his hand but the multiple heads really threw me. Either way it's huge and it's cool in front of our City Hall.

Also, I posted the better picture here. It's hard to pick the right picture when it's dark.

NaNoWriMo 2010 - 22,148 Words So Far

The goal to aim for so far is 25,000 words since we are halfway through the month. I've made good progress this weekend though I'd hoped to be a little more ahead.

I was reading portions of my story this afternoon and I really don't know if I like it. I'm surprised by the characters and their relationships with each other, I just don't know if I'm going to want to keep working on this story after Novel Writing Month is over.

I think I had a similar reaction to my current novel while I was drafting it during the last NaNoWriMo, and I think it happened right about the halfway mark. The NaNo folks send pep talks to my in box which I didn't think would be very helpful but this week's is right on point. Here's an excerpt from Lindsay Grant:

"Week Two is a battle for your novel's future, and you are going to win it.

You've been carrying around a story for a while now and you finally started writing it. Getting started is hard enough, but then you went on to write for a full week, bringing your story to life and making your noveling dream a reality. You're well on your way, writer, and you have come so far already! Don't let your inner editor convince you that this isn't worth your time, or that you should start over, or—even worse—that you should start over some other time. For this novel there is no "later." There is only now.

And when you reach November 30 with the rough draft of your novel in hand, the struggles you overcame this week will make that already-triumphant moment even more incredible.

The world needs your novel. This is the time to write it. And it is infinitely worth fighting for."

I have to say I find this pep talk inspirational. When I look at my story right now and don't really like what I see, I have to grasp at something, anything that would tell me it's worthwhile to keep going. The whirlwind will continue and sometime early next year when I've had time to let this story sit and ferment, I'll be able to see if it has been worthwhile.

No, wait. It's all worthwhile because even if I don't use it, work to further develop this story, it will still be a complete story with beginning, middle, and end, character development, plot twists, and hopefully a great ending. The act of writing down stories is always worthwhile because it's the only way you get better.

Also, even though I have a very general idea of how the story is going to progress from here on out, I don't know the details and I don't really know how it's going to end. I had an ending in mind when I started but I don't know if I'm going to use it. What's going to happen to my characters when they reach the end of their trials and tribulations? What is the the massive, huge plot twist that will explain all the bizarre goings on in my story? I have no idea. I guess I have to keep going to find out.

Conversation With My Brother: Three Little Pigs

I just love some of the email exchanges I have with my brother and couldn't resist posting this one:

Him: Why in the Three Little Pigs does the wolf threaten to huff and puff and blow the house down? He could just kick the door in or break a window, why blow the whole house down. Maybe who ever had a fear of windstorms? And... it seems there are more than two ands in the sentence and comas.

Me: The wolf's capability of leveling the house by blowing it down is far scarier than kicking in the door or breaking the window. More than a mere repair job, the leveled house literally makes the pig homeless.

As for the "and," I seem to recall it's a type of writing convention perhaps used as away to build suspense and for emphasis. It certainly creates a unique rhythm precisely because we've been taught not to use multiple "ands" in this way. I saw a Wikipedia article, can't find it now, which discusses this convention. It uses the speech Brad Pitt gave in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds as a example:

"We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with."

City Life: Secret Hiding Place in Golden Gate Park

Crowds of people just steps away but it feels like we're in our own world.

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NaNoWriMo 2010 - 14,354 Words So Far

I'm still two days behind but that's a lot better than being almost a week behind. Damn, I thought this was going to be easier but it's not. This is tough going. The story is flowing out of me but it's difficult to keep up the right mindset.

2010 Europe Trip: Bruges - The Medieval City

Bruges is a perfectly preserved medieval city in Belgium. I'd read about Bruges years ago but it wasn't until after I saw the movie "In Bruges" that I decided I really had to visit the place. In addition to its weirdness and relentless profanity, the film really showcases the city.

I had an interesting reaction about Bruges from that weird couple from Toronto I talked to while in Amsterdam. When I told them I was going to Bruges, the wife said, "Bruges! I had a friend who went there and she said it was completely over the top. I'd never even heard of Bruges before she went." She went on to admit that she didn't exactly know what her friend meant by "being over the top" but she'd assumed it was a negative reaction. She also said visiting a medieval city held no interest for her. I mentioned that the historic city center is a UNESCO World Heritage site, and she scoffed at this fact saying "EVERYTHING is a UNESCO World Heritage site so that doesn't mean anything at all." Her husband and that guy from the midwest both agreed with her. She asked me why I would want to go there and I explained that I loved Northern Renaissance art, a comment that had everyone in the room stumped. I changed the subject and took everything she said with a grain of salt. After all, this is a women who announced to everyone she couldn't see why ANYBODY thought Van Gogh had talent. Now, I can understand people not caring much for his art, we all have our preferences, but I couldn't see how she could make a statement like that.

Okay, back to the city. Bruges has a small city center and can be seen easily in one day. I spent a little less than two days here and it was a nice amount of time though if you ask me for a recommendation I think three days would be really lovely.

A view of the Markt (market square) from one of the many surrounding cafes. The tall building is the Belfort (belfrey). I was there during their Pride weekend though I drank too much beer and ended up sleeping through their Pride Parade. Still, when I arrived in town and saw the rainbow flags up at the Markt I was really tickled.

My Bed and Breakfast is just around that corner. This street is about a block and a half from the Markt.

Bruges is a pricey town. While my bed and breakfast was reasonably priced (about $80 a night), the restaurants were expensive. Of course, there are cheaper places to eat, street vendors and such, but I noted there were plenty of upscale, beautiful restaurants, tea houses, cafes, etc. I had an absolutely decadent Belgium waffle with chocolate and strawberries along with some tea at the cafe in the picture above and it cost over $20 when I did the conversion.

Here it is, the $20 Belgium waffle and tea. Was it worth it? I think so. The quality of the chocolate was out of this world and the strawberries were super sweet but I still have to admit that I was a surprised when I got the bill.

Chocolate. The best chocolate I've ever had was here (including white chocolate). There are chocolate shops all over the place and it didn't take me long to pick one so I could buy some for souvenirs. I bought two boxes, one for my Dad and one for the folks at work. The chocolate was handmade that week with fresh ingredients. While this chocolate doesn't last as long because there are no preservatives, nothing tastes better. It was beautiful. The ladies at the shop said you can buy boxes of their chocolate at stores but the ingredients aren't fresh so it tastes different.

There are plenty of beautiful gift shops as well. Bruges only has a handful of tacky gift shops around the Markt. The rest of the shops are all upscale designer type stores. Yep, Bruges caters to folks who have money. I'm not saying you can't go there on a budget, you just have to be aware and plan accordingly.

Not surprising, Bruges is all cobblestones. If you're not used to walking on them they're killer on your feet so make sure you bring supportive, broken in shoes. I'd brought my cute leather clogs but had to switch to my white sneakers. I didn't get used to the cobblestones until my trip was almost over.

Here I am in front of one of the canals in this place. There aren't as many as in Amsterdam but they're still beautiful. Note the touristy white sneakers.

A proper picture of the canal from the bridge above.

A view of the Markt from one of the lower floors of the Belfort. They were doing renovations at the top so I didn't get a shot of the Markt from there.

Here's the shot of the view I was able to get. This view is from back side of the Belfort.

As I mentioned in my photo comments, this trip was all about climbing stairs. Climbing the Belfort was quite something and the stairs get steeper and narrower as you get closer to the top. They thoughtfully provide a rope for you to hang on to. I met a young man from Kentucky who was visiting his sister in Brussels as I made my way down. I asked him if he wanted to go ahead of me since I was taking a long time but he said he didn't mind. We had a nice conversation about our travels.

The Belfort stairs. A whole lot of them. See the rope in the upper left of the picture?

The courtyard leading to The Church of Our Lady, the largest Church in Bruges.

Even with my interest in medieval art I have to admit I didn't realize what medieval architecture was about. I'd never studied it before other than what I'd seen as background in paintings so I had a wonderful time walking around the city and noting it's beautiful buildings. Bruges was never bombed so the historic city center is completely and wonderfully intact.

Some buildings on the Markt. The large gray building is the Provinciaal Hof (Provincial Court). The red brick building on the right is the post office where I mailed a bunch of clothes home in a desperate bid to lighten my luggage.

The back of the Sint Salvator's Cathedral. While smaller than the Church of Our Lady (and lacking a Michelangelo), I still loved this church. It felt so good to be here. I don't know why. I was here for a long time and I couldn't stop touching the walls.

The interior of Sint Salvator's. I actually kissed one of the pillars before leaving. It was my weird way of saying thank you (and I left a small donation).

Since Bruges is so small you could easily walk to the train station from the city center (about a 15-20 minute walk) but if you have a lot of luggage I suggest you take the bus instead. The bus stop was just a few steps away from my B&B. When I took my side trip to Ghent, I walked to the train station. It was a beautiful walk and I had fun because I followed a group of school kids going on a field trip to the station.

On the way to the train station, I walked through a park with the school kids. I stopped to take the following shot. Yep, those are people's actual houses.

Bruges is well known for its swans and they tend to hang out at the Minnewater, a canalized lake, also called the Lake of Love. There's a legend about the swans (go here) which explains why Bruges is supposed to keep swans for eternity. I missed two opportunities to take a canal cruise so I opted for a carriage ride instead. The carriage ride was expensive but worth it.

The driver took me to the Minnewater and let me (and the horse) relax for about 20 minutes.

Miss Turtle at the Minnewater. I spent quite a bit of time observing the swans: two of them were nesting. I probably should have been walking around taking more pictures but the swans were mesmerizing.

The carriage ride was worth it in other ways. The driver pointed out a narrow alley in Bruges, right off the Markt which didn't look like an alley, more like a space between two buildings. Down this alleyway is a legendary beer bar, Staminee de Garre, which has over 100 beers. Apparently, tourists prowl around the Markt looking for the elusive alleyway and walk right by it because it's so narrow. He showed me right where it was and after my carriage ride I went for a drink.

The alleyway looking towards the street. It's incredibly easy to miss it because it doesn't look like anything. Mostly locals hang out here.

I'd mentioned in the photos that I'd walked into the pub and, not knowing what kind of beer to order, requested a recommendation. The man at the bar suggested the "house beer" known as Tripel de Garre. I remember thinking I was going to get gyped into some subpar beer but I was wrong, of course. I included this shot in the photos I uploaded to Picasa but just have to post it here again.

11% alcohol. Very strong tasting. Comes with soft white cheese, and that's not a beer glass, people, it's a beer bowl. I drank the entire thing. I'm not a beer drinker but it was incredible.

I learned that beer in Amsterdam and certainly in Bruges is much, much better than beer here in the U.S. American beers, even if they're imported, taste like watered down crap and have no complexity to them. Bruges is known for having the best beer in the world. If I hadn't been traveling alone I would spent a lot more time drinking in all the places I visited. I almost never drink beer at home but if I do I tend to like Guinness Stout.

The sign for the beer bar near the front of the alley. I might have been a little tipsy when I took this picture.

As I've been writing this post I really do think I would have preferred to be here for at least three days, maybe even three and a half. Bruges is a small city but there's so much walking and strolling to do, and the city encourages you relax, sit at an outdoor restaurant or cafe, and watch the world go by.

View from my B&B window.

NaNoWriMo 2010 - 7,600 Words So Far

I'm so behind. Oh well. It just means I'm going to have to really work at it this week.

This novel I'm drafting is Post-Apocalyptic and is based on a short story I wrote a few years ago. Already I'm surprised at the turns the characters and story are taking. It seems their relationships are far more complex than I imagined.

I'm a bit intimidated by all the worldbuilding I'm going to have to do for this novel. I have to figure out how the end of the world came about and the social/political/religious structure of the current setting but I can't spend much time on that now. The main focus is to write the story down and deal with the rest of the stuff later.

Droid Camera

While driving home from Zion Nat'l Park a couple of weeks ago i snapped some pics when it was my turn to be a passenger. I'm always amazed at the quality of pictures you can get with a phone camera. I mean those are some serious cloud pictures and i got them by pointing the damn Droid out the front windshield.

I guess phone cameras are getting better and better. This is a test post, by the way. I'm experimenting with posting from my Droid while riding home on the 6 Parnassus MUNI bus.

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Writing Life: My Three Month Timeline

Pictured here is my three month timeline which shows all my writing projects and steps I want to take. Each project has its own color. I thought about just making a list of steps and printing it out but realized I'd have to keep printing out the list every time it changed. I also thought about using index cards but didn't feel right about wasting an entire card on one task. With the color coded post-its I can move things around, add tasks, subtract them. Also, I can see at a glance where I am with each project even from far away.

It's such a relief not to have all that stuff in my head, weighing me down, and I love that I can just glance to my right to see where I am and what I need to do next. I love it!

End of October Junk Mail

Here's what's going on with me:

• I'm still unemployed. I'm looking for a job but it's pretty tough out there. I'm approaching the ceiling of my salary range and I'm getting low balled salary-wise. The funny thing is employers want someone who has my level of experience but don't want to pay for it. I suppose they'll hire someone they can pay a lot less who says they can do the job. Good luck with that. Word to the wise: if you're looking for a job and have a lot of years of experience, stay away from labor and unemployment law firms. They don't pay shit and they want a ton of trial experience. Fuck that.

• Further to the previous item, if it turns out I can't get a job without taking a big pay cut it might be time for me to leave the law altogether and do something I really like. No sense getting paid nothing and working like mad for attorneys. I don't know what I'd do but I'm sure I can think of something. Any suggestions?
  

• I'm almost done with my short story. It's an employee ghost story. I had it critiqued at my writing group and I'm going to submit it for publication. We'll see how it goes. I'm looking at it as a learning experience, an experiment as in "how many times can I submit this thing before someone finally says yes?"

• I'm going to draft the next novel during November's NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Damn, that's less than a week away! I'm betting I'll finish the required 50,000 words before Thanksgiving weekend. We'll see how I do. Heh.

• My newest obsession is the BBC TV show "Sherlock." Here's the trailer link. They're showing it on PBS right now though I don't know the schedule since I still don't watch TV. I read about it and noted it was created by two writers who work on "Doctor Who." I'm a long time "Doctor Who" fan. I told my brother and he ordered the DVDs from Amazon.uk. We watched the entire series, then watched them again with commentaries, and watched the documentaries in mid-September. There are only three episodes but I just LOVE them! They're coming out with a second series next year. My brother and I are hating that we have to wait that long for the next episodes.

• I'm still working on my current novel. I'm in the research phase which is substantial since this is a historical novel. By my calculations I should start working on the third draft by mid-January. I'd hoped to go back to Nuremberg and Ansbach to do more research in December but that's not going to happen. I really wanted to be there for the Christmas Market and the snow.

• At some point I'm going to polish up "FailSafe" (my weird story on "Fainting in Coils"), rewrite and expand "The Asides," probably write a new side story or two for it, and turn it into a hardcover book. In fact, I may include the other two super personal stories starring me and Mr. Gryphon, including "The Coda" and the story about the nightmare. I may even include a section with my favorite posts with Mr. Gryphon in a separate section though I'll probably rewrite, polish some of it. Why not? I might even attempt to illustrate it but I think that's way too ambitious for me. My mother writes poetry and we went onto Blurb.com to create a beautiful softcover book of her poems. Some of my photography is in the book. Her poetry book is so gorgeous that I'm going to do the same for "FailSafe." I'll likely only create one, maybe two. It's just for me. I have no intention of trying to sell it. I'll probably do this in January as a way to take a break from writing the third draft of my novel.

That's pretty much it. Thanks for reading. More substantial posts to come a little later.

Trip to Zion National Park - The Pictures

Enjoy!

Zion National Park October 2010

Big Animals Take Over Transportation

It's been a bad day for transportation. The MUNI drivers left in disgust, too tired to even revolt with the Union anymore. The buffalo protested from not getting enough fresh alfalfa and blocked the underground tunnels; they hung around playing marathon Texas Hold 'Em tourneys. Giant octopi effortlessly grabbed at the ferries, holding them in place but not pulling them underwater. Traffic stopped. Pedestrians took videos of it all, carelessly posting their raw footage on Youtube.

Above the Bay Bridge, the helicopters hovered helplessly. The herds of brachiosauruses stomped their way across the newly built sections of the Bridge testing them for truth, justice, and structural soundness. The sections failed on all three accounts. Thankfully, the bridge didn't collapse, nor was it unseasonably foggy, nor were there muscly container ships trying to barrel their way past the bridge supports thinking they could pass this close without a cheeky sideswipe. It wouldn't matter anyway. If you pit Bridge/Brachiosauruses against arrogant container ships, the suspensions/dinos always win.

Out in forlorn orange, wisps of fog drifting by, our most famous landmark sat regally regarding it all. No one bothered it unless you count the annoying ant-like cars that traipse across it all day and all night long. Everyone leaves the Golden Gate alone. There are too many people with cameras hanging around. No matter how nutty this city gets we still have the royal Golden Gate to provide us with some measure of dignity.

Buses. God, the buses. What can I say? Being on the bus is so ridiculous that I don't have to invent anything weird to go along with it. BART you say? BART trains are still running on time because they're better funded and actually have a chance of arriving on time.

Eventually, the buffalo finished their tourney and went home, the MUNI drivers got back in the saddle, the octopi dropped their arms and splashed into the Bay, the dinos packed up their things and went home (to Tracy). The buses ran on, oblivious. The city went back to normal, like nothing had happened at all.

Blaze

Sometimes I dream about him but lately I sit in my small rowboat on the other side of the Milky Way, watching and waiting. During the day the stars have faded, too light to see from down there but from up here the sky is only a darker blue and the stars, milky and smeared, shine like they were just given their favorite ice cream cones to eat. Cherry Garcia, Neapolitan, Mocha Almond Fudge, Coffee, and Raspberry Sorbet melt in seductive drips down the sapphire sky.

At night it's the Blaze of Heavens. The fire and passion of millions of shimmering stars, twinkling and beckoning. Every day and night the stars remind us over and over, without tiring, of all the things we are ignoring, of all the things we are missing. The stars reach out for us. They know we need to be blinded by beauty and wonder. They're waiting for us to look up finally and see.

I imagine him in his own little boat, rowing away and minding his own business. We are not on the same paths, nor have we ever been. Still, I hope and wish for a moment when he stops rowing long enough to see me on the other side of that galaxy. I imagine he will know me and will put his oars down. I'll lean forward, reaching across those stars to him, and he will have waited long enough to know it's right time. There will be no freezing cold vacuum of space or the deadly fires of comets, just the friendly twinkling of the stars. Just the helping hand of the Universe.

We'll finally clasp hands again and everything will fall into place. We'll run along the stars' paths and the orbits of happy planets. The true Universe will come gently and truthfully into view bearing nothing but gifts and riches.

One Of My Favorite Self-Portraits Of All Time

I altered this one this past weekend.

I LOVE this picture. It looks surrealistic. Like my face in pieces floating in a black coffee colored puddle after the blinding, hard sun has come out in the middle of a downpour.

Here's the original photo.

Damn, I'm just noticing it now but my eye looks completely different in both pictures. Ha! I'm tickled.

Too Much Story World?...Unemployment Check In...My Purpose In Life

These days I drift along in my story world, allowing myself full rein of my imagination. I spend all my time either writing, agonizing that I'm not writing, and/or thinking and feeling stories and characters. On Monday, I told myself I would only spend 2-3 hours tops writing before I turned my attention to something else. I wrote for 10 hours without stopping. I don't even know how I did it. I didn't think I was taking that much time but I started around 4:00 pm, looked at the clock and it was 7:30 pm, then it was 11:30 pm, then those last two and half hours of strange magical time, then I checked the clock and it was close to 2:00 am and realized I have to walk the dog and go to sleep.

My characters hang around me in groups, visit me in dreams, flood my fantasies. It's a scary place to be sometimes. I've been wondering if I'm letting myself get pulled too far into my inner life. It's been a long time since I've let myself really inhabit this place.

***

There's always a barrier. Some fine line. The main barrier is I only give myself full rein when I'm physically writing about my characters or story. The rest of the time stories and characters drift in and out on the surface of my conscious mind but the real meat happens below the surface. This is partly how my "muse" operates and part defense mechanism. I have this secret fear that if I leap full on into my inner life during waking hours (and I'm not filtering it through the physical act of writing) I'll never come back out.

Sometimes I wonder about that too. If my brain chemistry does a radical shift and I lose my mind at least I know where I'll end up and who I'll be talking to (so will you). Gryphon and Mock Turtle are always together. If we're not together then I'm certain I'll go looking for him. Lately, I've been seeing this imaginary world, the story world, and my characters as a kind of afterlife too. No one knows what happens when we die. I have as good a chance of ending up in my story world as I have of going to Heaven or Hell after I die. I mean, why not?

***

I'm so broke. I have financial help, thank God, but even with it the beginning of the month was pretty scary. As it is, I've got no money for the next week or so. Still, having no money for a week is a better situation than some people. I'd be all right if I didn't have to pay full price for my health insurance. It's a hazard of being unemployed.

I'm still surprisingly relaxed about not having a job. In a month or two things will be tougher if this continues but I keep thinking that I don't want to go back to the 9-5 grind. I like having all this extra time. I wonder if I can figure out a way to earn a living without having to go back to that. Food for thought.

***

I've been concerned about my reluctance to share my stuff with people, as I've noted in previous posts. I have yet to show anybody even portions of my novel after working on it for so long. I tell myself I'm not ready. I tell myself people don't deserve it. I tell myself it's not fit for sharing. I think this is the reason I've been putting off working on the next draft. When I'm done with it, the novel will more or less be a cohesive whole and ready for someone else to read and comment on. The thought of getting to that point makes my stomach drop.

It's an odd paradox because I've figured out my purpose in life. It might even be considered almost a divine purpose. More on that in a moment. My purpose in life is to tell stories. Not much of a stretch, I know. My job is to tell people stories and to do that I need to hone my storytelling skills and get those stories out there. My stories are needed in this world.

Needed in this world. Know what that means? It means I can't just write my stories down and hide them in a password protected file on my desktop so no one can find them. It means I can't spend years working on a story and never show it to anyone. As for the divine part, I only came to this conclusion because many times when I'm writing, amazing stuff happens to my plot, characterizations, etc. I'm always surprised and delighted and I don't know where this stuff comes from. Sometimes it feels like it's coming through me from somewhere, that I'm merely a conduit for something greater than myself. Sounds hokey but that's how it feels.

People go on spiritual quests, read self-help books (I've done my share), and take seminars to discover their purpose in life. I guess I should feel lucky that I've found it.

Altered Self-Portraits

This is from a couple of months ago but I only recently altered the color. I was going to use it as my profile picture but picked the other picture instead.

I took this one at the beach in Santa Cruz, CA when it was 90 degrees a couple of a days ago.

Also taken in Santa Cruz a couple of days ago. Initially, I didn't like this picture but I've found that weird pictures of me where the light is off or the angle is strange lends the picture to some interesting color effects.