I haven't been dating at all. It's been a long time. Lately, I've been wondering why I've been treated like crap or why the guy is all excited about me during the first date, but loses interest in me after that.
I'm beginning to think there are several things going on:
1) There are a lot of jerks around and they're all available. Folks have said this has something to do with living in SF/Bay Area, but I'm not sure if that's true. Folks have also said it's because I'm too old, not "hot" enough, too fat. A couple of years ago I would have said that was true, but no more because it seems even young beautiful women are also being treated like crap. And they are also having a difficult time finding someone even if they are dating more than me. I had a conversation with a beautiful young woman who used to work in my office who is actively dating. She is sweet, smart and on track for a great career and yet she explained to me that guys take her out once and then dump her (and no, she's not having sex with them). One even explained that she just wasn't "hot" enough. And I'll spell this next part out instead of resorting to the usual acronym which I think is lame anyway: WHAT THE FUCK is up with that???!! I was flabbergasted when she told me that story.
2) All the good men are taken particularly the ones in my age bracket. I think this is mostly true now. I used to think that was just a cliche, but it's not, people. All good guys around my age are already in long term relationships. The ones left over are either commitment phobes and/or have baggage worthy of bringing a plane down.
3) Many men around my age group have absolutely no interest in forming a serious relationship. They date sometimes but mostly so they can have sex, or less often for companionship. They don't completely rule out a relationship but they're not going to consider it unless the "girl" is spectacular. She really has to be "The One" for these men to put forth any kind of effort. Anything less is just there to warm the pillow. What does this mean for me? It means the guy is looking for that elusive quality of genius supermodel with seven figure earning salary. I have none of those qualities.
4) Somewhat related to number three is the idea that my therapist suggested and that is that when a guy decides he likes me he realizes that I'm not just there for fun, but for a serious relationship and this can be intimidating. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it can't hurt to include it on this list anyway.
5) The odds are lousy. As I tell my good friends, who are also having the same problems with dating, you only need one good man. I still believe that's true, but I don't see the point in looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack. The odds are that I will be very disappointed if I try to meet another guy. And, if the recent past is any indication, the odds are pretty high that he will turn out to be mean, inconsiderate asshole which seems to be happening more and more.
6) Being kind and loving are code words for "fuck me over!!" I'm a good person, I'm a nice person and I enjoy treating men well, but if you are kind and generous they see you as nothing more than a chump, someone to take advantage of. Oh and God forbid if you fall in love and tell them that. As soon as that happens you're off to the Gulag Archipelago of love, baby. Love is supposed to be the strongest force in the Universe, but the fact that I might love a man only means that I am weak and stupid in his eyes.
I'm never going to find someone who will love me, be excited to be with me, who will want to talk to me and see me, who I can explore the world and life with. I don't even remember what it's like to have a man love me like that. It's just as well.
What does this all mean? No dating life for me. I know I sound bitter, but it's the way things are. This is what happens when you spend over five years looking for a relationship and keep striking out over and over. I didn't start out this bitter, but feeling this way is inevitable when no one wants you unless they can get a nut off or when they tell you they want to focus on pursuing a serious relationship with someone else. Do I sound angry? You bet I do. I'm post nuclear pissed off in an apocalyptic dating world.
p.s. for all of you who might be concerned about this post, i'll just say this is my blog and i'll damn well rant on it if i want to.
5 comments:
good grief this can be a nightmare.
all I can hope is that you will be found by someone who will love you, be excited to be with you, who will want to talk to you and see you, who you can explore the world and life with.
also someone that sees your age, weight and hotness as intrinsic and therefore as lovely as you are.
(and maybe that the next person who actually says something like "too old, not hot enough, or too fat" experiences some sort of epiphany before they inadvertently get labeled "alarmingly clueless")
Lolabola - Thanks for this comment and your good wishes. I feel better for having posted such an incendiary rant. I could take it down, but it is the truth of how I feel and how angry I am about it at this time.
I'm not the only one who is tired of it. It seems a lot of people are. Strange how we are all looking for that special someone, but none of us are finding that person. We are all warships passing each other in the night, occasionally firing weapons are at each other.
When I feel up to it I think I'll start focusing on a different geographic area (north and south of SF) and a different age range, say 8-10 years older than me. It can't hurt.
MT
you go, girl!
interesting post. i have a theory about your problem that will not be popular, but since you commented on my blog and told me a few things i wonder if this might not ring true for you. i certainly do not wish to offend.
i am up late after working a long shift in the ER so here goes.
the 'women's movement' has killed relationships.
women wanted to have sexual freedome and they have it.
women wanted men to be more 'sensitive' and 'caring' and guys responded to this with the appearance of being 'sensitive' and 'caring'. it has not changed the basic fact howeve that guys, on an animal level, just want to get laid.
now i'm not busting on guys, i am one, but if gals give sex easily and 'guilt free' then we will keep taking and start looking for the next one. there's not a whole bunch of strip clubs that cater to women or straight pornography that caters to women... all this stuff is for guys.
our genetic makeup and instinctual drives are what they are, and women like yourself really DO want commitment and it seems like sex is very important to and enjoyable FOR women but NOT their ultimate goal in relationships.
most women, though modern women do not admit this, really DO want strong men that they can trust. these guys ARE out there but higher education (college and more) puts it in our heads that we are to suppress our male nature (fart jokes, agressiveness, humor, juvenile antics, etc...). then women wonder 'where have all the cowboys gone' right after they have finished soap-boxing about how 'cowboys' are neanderthals. women do not want wimps.
the other dirty little secret is that men really want women that are WOMEN.
to the extent that women try to be more masculine this is a turnoff to most men.
i'm not talking about women doing traditionally male jobs or being athletic or out-doorsy... these things are great.
i'm talking about the belief of the uber-feminists that to be 'equal' with men that they need to beat them at their own game.
humor? women can be funny but successful female comedians are few and far between and the gross-out ones are merely male charicatures (sarah silverman for instance). the great female comics are funny in a distinctly feminine way... lucile ball for instance.
many modern women have become like men in the sexual area and sleep around like men always have.
this makes guys really happy for about three weeks then their instinctual nature puts a burr under their saddle and the relationship that the woman desires (on and instinctual and also conscious level) vanishes.
the guy then moves to the next 'strange', as we call it, but instead of telling the truth and saying that they aren't interested in marrying or comitting to a girl who is 'easy' dress it up in whatever seinfeldian reason du jour they can come up with...
'we just aren't right for each other', 'can't we just be friends', 'i'm not ready for comittment', 'let's see other people', 'it's not you it's me', etc...
guys and gals are no different today than they have always been and the dating game and relationship game is no different except that guys today find it a lot easier to get laid without comittment.
it is an unfortunate rule of nature that almost all the bad consequences of the sexual revolution are born by women... unwanted pregnancies etc...
i am happily married to a wonderful gal but the enless parade of available women who didn't seem to give a rat's ass about these issues made it SO easy for SO long to live as a perpetual teen-ager.
guys are simple creatures. we are also driven sexually in a different manner than women. quantity. when we are 'ready' to commit though, we don't want an 'experienced' gal... i don't know why it's not true in reverse and i'm not defending it, i'm just saying that it is what it is.
i do believe that there are lots of other good reasons to maintain the traditional gender roles but i'm not going to talk about them here now.
again, i hope i have not offeneded you. you seem like an attractive, smart gal in a city that must make it hard to find a guy who is not 'on the make'.
try looking in places that you wouldn't ordinarily look. while i have never used a dating service they make sense to me in this age of 'speed dating' and 'speed relationships'.
best of luck to you and drop by our place anytime.
Dear Doc - Thanks for stopping by and commenting. This is one of the most interesting comments I've had in a long time.
I posted a similar rant, but with even more honesty on craigslist.org not to long ago and received a similar reply from a guy outlining the issues you've left here.
I'm not sure about the women's movement killing relationships, but it wouldn't surprise me if that were true. I'm no women's libber, feminist, ball-buster, whatever you want to call it. I am all for equal work for equal pay and all that.
The whole sexual 'revolution' if you want to call it that has resulted in some nightmarish side effects as you mentioned. I was not old enough to live through it, but I'm seeing the after effects now. Older women (like my mother) seem to think all you have to do is wait for the man to come by and choose you. That's never going to happen and, yet, the paradox is that if I do the choosing it doesn't work at all so I don't know what to do about that.
You are right that this is a tough city. Not everyone here is shallow and full of themselves, but it seems all the men who are available, who are putting themselves out there to be discovered, are.
The strangest thing is, as I mentioned in my reply to lola up there, there are so many single men and women here in SF and the Bay Area in general and yet we can't find a decent person amongst ourselves. Are we all living here in an asylum of crazy ass bastards and bitches clawing at the bars and windows for some kindness? What does that say about me and my single friends? What does that say about all men? Is it just that we are all so damaged and screwed up that we're not capable of sustaining relationships? Do I have that much baggage? Am I that pathetic? Or do we all have unrealistic expectations?
And yet to read your response it seems the only problem is we women give up sex too easily. I have heard this before from other guys. Is it really that simple? Will the mean motherfuckers who I've had the misfortune of spending time with suddenly turn into kind men who want to make an effort to treat me like I'm important to them?
I wonder.
I don't know what the answer is and frankly I don't care anymore. I mentioned earlier about trying again, but truly this is my personal apocalypse. There will be no coupling up for me now. It's the end of my dating life.
Sad, really. I'm really good in relationships.
Good luck to you, Doc, and take good care of your marriage. You don't want to be out of the street in 8-10 years when it gets even uglier.
MT
P.S. Hopefully you haven't taken any offense to my comments.
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