The Dark Side Of The Job Search

"I can't understand, [h]e let go of my hand
And left me here facing the wall
I'd sure like to know, why [h]e did go
But I can't get close to [him] at all"
- "I Don't Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Met)"*** from "Another Side of Bob Dylan"

The job hunt continues, there are bills and rent to pay. Even though I have mixed feelings about Facebook I have been getting back in touch with people and that's been great. I've been writing a lot but not enough on my novel. Still, some writing is better than none at all.

My days are a struggle of too many late nights and late mornings, too much checking of email looking for...something. The doubts and fears crowd around for space.

I read an article yesterday about the difficulty of the job search. The author brought to life the scary feelings that can come up. You start to feel useless and angry. You start to feel outside of society in general. You start to wonder if life is worth living or as his friend put it more succinctly "I'm thinking will it be the neck or wrist?"

I'm not feeling suicidal but I did want to bring it up because these feelings are very real and if you, God forbid, are in a situation where you're looking for a job in this economy for a period of time you may well come up against those feelings. It's better to be aware of these feelings because once you're there it's a scary place to be.

I joined a job hunters group a couple of weeks ago and didn't like the Facilitator. I enjoyed meeting everyone else and one of the members was kind enough to send me a position she'd found. I reviewed the job description and wasn't sure if I fit the qualifications. I wrote her an email and explained this but said I would probably apply anyway. She came back with a response saying she was surprised and I was selling myself short and I was clearly suffering from the effects of lowered self-esteem due to the job search.

I was dying to tell her to go fuck off.

I know she was trying to be helpful and supportive and she was probably right about the lowered self-esteem part but I didn't like having someone who was almost a complete stranger get in my face about it. Instead, I wrote back thanking her for her support and to explaining in detail why 70% of duties for this job is an area of law where I have no experience but I would think about applying.

During job search you roller coaster through your feelings. Some days you're fine and feeling like you're making progress even when it's incremental progress. Some days the search is as I explained to a friend of mine "soul crushing." People don't like to hear such things but it's true. The industry you used to work for, in fact, all industries, seem to be unfeeling, faceless places. We've known for a very long time that there's no loyalty towards employees but it's a shock to experience the ruthlessness of not working in America in times like these.

It makes me want to walk away from my industry altogether but go where? And do what? Everywhere you go it's the same.

I've been doing all things people should say you should do during these times: see and talk to friends regularly, have other interests, keep exposure to the news to a minimum, explore your options, try to get training, be positive, have a plan in place, etc. etc.

These last few days I've learned that even when you're doing all those things you're still going to have these very negative feelings at times. Sometimes they just don't go away. Nobody wants to hear that and nobody wants to think about it.

Ironically, I think I've found some measure of relief by just letting myself feel like shit, to feel angry. And that I may still have them even when I'm doing "what I'm supposed to be doing" to combat these dark feelings. Sometimes the only way out is through and all the damn self-help, pop psychology, artificial routines, pep talks and everything else isn't going to help. Sometimes we have to feel bad for a little while if only so we can relax a little instead of trying to force our emotions into some stupid artificially happy box that's been constructed by everyone.

"And if anybody asks me
'Is it easy to forget?'
I'll say 'It's easily done, you just pick anyone
And pretend that you never have met.'"***

A New Story on Fainting in Coils

I knew I had to write a new story featuring Mr. Gryphon and had been trying to figure out how to get it started for about a month now. What surprised me is that I've made the story public by starting it on my other blog Fainting in Coils (See "The Tower, Part 1").

This is going to be a very personal story that offers a glimpse into what goes on in my head like nothing else I've posted here. I've written even more personal stories than this one but I've never made them public before. For example, I wrote a 52 page story featuring Mr. Gryphon and myself called "The Coda" and only one person has read it (my therapist). The other stories and characters I make reference to have never been read by anybody. I don't what's gotten into me.

This is going to be a long story and I'm planning to work steadily on it. Hopefully I can finish it this next week. I'm not going to publish each section as I write it. I've written up to Part 3 so far and will likely start Part 4 tonight. I'll probably post every other day.

Thanks for reading and I welcome your comments. This is going to be weird stuff.

Bob Dylan: Blonde on Blonde

"Blonde on Blonde" was released in May 1966 as a double album with 14 songs. Nine out of the fourteen songs are over four minutes long and many are seven plus minutes. "Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" is the longest at over 11 minutes.

The album is characterized by the blues rock Bob started on "Highway 61 Revisited" and more surreal lyrics. It's a complete departure from Bob's folk music where he played his songs with just his acoustic guitar and harmonica.

The entire album is amazing but I only came to this conclusion after absorbing it for months. I was familiar with "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" with its "Everybody must get stoned!" refrain and "Just Like a Woman" from my junior high school and high school years of listening to rock music stations. The rest of the songs were all new to me.

Songs that blew me away at the first hearing:

• "Visions of Johanna" is clearly one of Bob's finest compositions, and possibly one of the finest songs written in my lifetime. I heard it while driving home late at night through my empty city streets, a perfect way to hear it for the first time. It's a quiet song with beautiful thought provoking lyrics like "But Mona Lisa must have had the highway blues, you can tell by the way she smiles."
  
• "Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again" has an upbeat tempo and playful lyrics. The song tells very short stories of odd characters. The opening line is "Ah, the Ragman draws circles up and down the block. I'd ask him what the matter is, but I know that he don't talk."
  
• "Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I'll Go Mine)" is a great break-up song with its jaunty melody and truthful lyrics ("Time will tell just who has fell and who's been left behind").
  
• "Temporary Like Achilles" has a languid piano melody that expresses longing with strange lyrics like "I watch upon your scorpion who crawls across your circus floor." Bob leaves no doubt about his feelings with the chorus "You know I want your lovin.' Honey, why are you so hard?"
  
• "Absolutely Sweet Marie" is a bouncy song with odd lyrics of a man waiting for a woman. It has images of railroads, white horses, and broken promises. My favorites are "To live outside the law you must be honest" and "Well, I don't know how it happened but the river-boat captain, he knows my fate. But everyone else, even yourself, are just going to have to wait." I don't know why but those last lines seem to sum up my current transitional situation perfectly.
  

Songs I didn't like at first:

• I had a tough time with "I Want You" because I felt the chorus "I want you, I want you, I want you so bad" was too simple and abrupt. The song has latched onto me after many listenings and I think "I Want You" is a glorious declaration of exuberant love. It's a beautiful song with lyrics like "The cracked bells and washed out horns, blow into my face with scorn, but it's not that way, I wasn't born to lose you."
  
• "Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat" is a blues song with jarring guitar about an attractive young woman and her new hat with strange lyrics like "You know it balances your head just like a mattress balances on a bottle of wine." Once again Bob leaves nothing to the imagination with lines like "Well, you look so pretty in it, Honey, can I jump on it sometime?" Again, after listening to the song over and over I just love its energy and humor.

The other songs are great with "Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" achieving epic status and not just because of its length. It is a gentle, steady stroll of a song that rises and falls like so many rolling hills Bob walks up and down on his journey though this song. Bob comes up with many surreal descriptions for his "Sad-Eyed Lady" while circling back around to meet her. The "Sad-Eyed Lady" is a reference to his wife at the time, Sara Lownds.

For me personally Bob's music requires that I pay attention and focus on the lyrics, meanings, and music. I can't just sit here mindlessly letting the music go in one ear and out the other. I can't just hear the songs I have to really listen to them too but in doing so I get so much out of them and they really speak to me.

Tom Waits and Bob Dylan: Immersive Listening

In the past my album listening went something like this: listen to the song(s) I really liked over and over (mostly the popular ones), listen to the first few seconds of other songs to see if the song "grabbed" me, and ignore the songs that didn't. This practice could brand me as shallow but many of the albums I bought when I was younger had only a couple of good songs so it's not surprising that I adopted this technique.

There were a few albums where I didn't follow this practice: "Pink Floyd The Wall" and "Stop Making Sense" by the Talking Heads are two that come to mind. Between junior high school when I bought "The Wall" through the end of high school when I bought "Stop Making Sense" I didn't buy any albums at all. Sure, I would have been perfectly happy with "Diary of a Madman" (Ozzie Osborne) and "The B-52s" but I just never plunked down the cash for them.

My album listening technique changed when I started getting into Tom Waits. I started out with his second album "Heart of Saturday Night" and it's a wonder to behold in its entirety. After that, I bought his first album "Closing Time," another wonder, then I bought "Mule Variations."

"Mule Variations" came out in 1999 and was completely different from his early work, even his voice was different with its growling rasp. The first time I heard the album my thought was "What is this shit?" I immediately put the CD away and didn't listen to it for months afterwards. However, and this is a testament to Tom's songwriting and performing, certain phrases and melodies kept floating through my mind. Eventually I gave it another listen and it now remains as one of my favorite Waits albums.

All of this prepared me for Bob Dylan, and I'm finding songs that didn't grab me right away on his albums tend to latch on later. This is why I believe complete immersion in his albums is mandatory for me. I listened to "Highway 61 Revisited" for at least a month before I moved on to "Blonde on Blonde" then I listened to both albums for two more months before moving onto "Bringing It All Back Home."

On "Highway 61" the songs "From a Buick 6," "Queen Jane Approximately," and "Highway 61 Revisited" didn't grab me right away. "From a Buick 6" had a smeared out, diluted sound to me that I didn't like, I didn't know what to make of "Queen Jane" as Bob seemed pushed his vocal capabilities to their limits, and "Highway 61 Revisited" had a jarring quality with a whistle that punctuates parts of the song.

I love all these songs now and the entire album competes with "Blonde on Blonde" as my favorite album of all time knocking "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" off its pedestal where it had been since I was a child. None of this appreciation would have been possible had I not first heard "Mule Variations" and changed my ideas about the necessity of immersing myself in new albums.

It helps, of course, that both Tom and Bob are noted for their superior songwriting capabilities. Sometimes I think both men appeal to me so much because they are storytellers. Many of their songs have characters who move through a story even if it's a very short one. I also think that I love the surreal lyrics to some of Bob's songs because I enjoy writing my own "surreal" blog posts.

New Blog - Mock Turtle's Life In Immersion

I decided to start a new blog devoted to the many subjects I like to immerse myself in. You can see the link there on the right next to Fainting In Coils. As I mentioned before one of my best friends remarked that I like to immerse myself completely in a subject while I'm learning about it. My obsession with Bob is a good example.

My current immersions are The Films of Akira Kurosawa and The Ramones. Bob is an ongoing immersion.

While pondering this trait of mine I realized I was making tremendous effort towards learning these subjects but never writing down my thoughts about them and what I learned in the process. It seems I'm selling myself short so I decided a new blog would be the best way to track these projects and surveys. I don't know how often I'll be posting but I'll try to make a note on the right with the current post title.

I'll probably continue to post things about Bob on this blog as well as on the new one depending on the subject matter. In addition, I moved the first post about the Ramones to the new blog because it seemed appropriate.

I would be honored and happy if you all would join me on my new blog but the primary purpose of it is to provide a place for me to gather my thoughts about the current immersions.

Thanks for reading.

The Ramones: First Album

I can't resist posting the iconic cover from this first album (1976). I love it! From left to right: Johnny Ramone (lead guitar), Tommy Ramone (drummer), Joey Ramone (frontman), and Dee Dee Ramone (bass).

Based on the first album alone The Ramones really knew their own minds.

A list of what they want:

• to "Hey Ho, Let's Go."
  
• to be your boyfriend.
• to sniff some glue.
• to beat you up ('cause you're a loudmouth).
• to listen to their hearts (so well, they can be smart).
• to dance (Baby, won't you take a chance?).
• to make them loco, to make them mambo.
  

A list of what they DON'T want:

• to go down to the basement (Hey, Romeo).
• to walk around with you.
• to be learned, to be tamed.

In addition, they give out some advice:

• beat on the brat (with a baseball bat).
• the difficulty of turning tricks (on 53rd and 3rd).
• you should never open the door (while they're holding the ax).
  

This list doesn't include other wants and don't wants from subsequent albums such as "I want to be sedated" and "I don't want to grow up."

I bought the CD at Borders Books and Music for the bargain price of $7.99, a steal for a new CD with 22 tracks. This is a reissue of their first album and includes eight bonus tracks, mostly demos of the original songs. The entire album clocks in at 44.6 minutes and the average length for each song is 2.02 minutes. The longest song, "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend (demo version)" clocks in at 3.02 minutes, the shortest song, "Judy is a Punk," is 1.33 minutes long. Sometimes it's difficult to tell when one song ends and the next one begins.

The demo versions are great! The pace is faster and the songs sound rougher overall. This is a very good thing. Years ago while learning about the history of rock 'n roll I found I appreciated a more raw and unrefined sound for most of my favorite bands. I always felt a ballsy sound had more energy.

Blasting The Ramones at maximum volume in my gray, dented Hyundai while driving through Golden Gate Park at 12:30 a.m. was pure bliss. I felt a great aaaahhhhhh come over me. Hearing Dee Dee's iconic "1-2-3-4" shout and the band's driving guitar both relaxes me and makes me want to jump up and down while furiously shaking my head.

The glee of recognition permeates the music as well as the tongue-in-cheek dark subjects in some of the songs. You can hear a thousand punk garage bands picking up their instruments. You can hear the influences near and far. From The Sex Pistols to Rancid to Green Day, they all started here with this album.

My Immersion History

One of my best friends pointed out that I tend to "immerse" myself in subjects I'm interested in. My current obsession with Bob Dylan is probably the most obvious example but there are others.

It all started with my fascination with films. I wanted learn more about Weimar Cinema (that is, German cinema from 1918-1933). I decided to compile a list of films to watch, read three books while watching the films, and watched all the documentaries and commentaries. Most of the films I watched were by director Fritz Lang but there were others. Here's the list of films:

Spiders - The Golden Sea, 1919 (dir. Lang)
Spiders - The Diamond Ship, 1920 (dir. Lang)
The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari, 1920 (dir. Wiene)
Nosferatu, 1922 (dir. Murnau)
The Last Laugh, 1925 (dir. Murnau)
Faust, 1926 (dir. Murnau)
Metropolis, 1927 (dir. Lang)
Spies, 1928, (dir. Lang)
Pandora's Box, 1929 (dir. Pabst)
M, 1931 (dir. Lang)
The Testament of Doctor Mabuse, 1933 (dir. Lang)
Triumph of Will, 1935 (dir. Riefenstahl)

I won't go into each one but I will tell you Nosferatu, Metropolis, and M are the must see films. Also worth seeing: The Last Laugh, Pandora's Box, and The Testament of Doctor Mabuse. My two personal favorite films are M (with Peter Lorre, one of my favorite actors, in his best role) and The Testament of Doctor Mabuse. I added these films to my collection.

I know, I know. Metropolis used to be one of my favorite films of all time, and it was on my top ten list for decades. For its innovation, beauty, and far reaching influence nothing beats Metropolis. Almost all modern science fiction films are directly influenced by Metropolis, most obviously Blade Runner, but I found M and The Testament of Doctor Mabuse to be far more compelling stories.

Triumph of Will is the notorious Nazi propaganda film which documents the 1934 Nuremberg Rally. Even with the subject matter, Leni Riefenstahl's film is considered groundbreaking, particularly in the area of cinematography.

After my review of German cinema I turned next to the films of Akira Kurosawa. This survey has taken me years to get through and I'm now at the very end of it with one more film to watch: Ran. I'll talk about Kurosawa in a separate post.

I've dabbled in other subjects without personally assigning them to immersion status such as my surveys of South Korean cinema and the Northern Renaissance. I realized I was selling myself short by making all this effort to get into these subjects but I wasn't writing about them and this is why I started this blog.

Thanks for reading.

Bob's New Album "Together Through Life" Released Today

Bob's 33rd album is finally available. I'd been planning on buying a used version later but I may bite the bullet and get the deluxe CD version for full price. It's all about supporting the man and all. Not that he needs my support but it's the principle of the thing, I guess.

Bob's official website offered one of the songs "Beyond Here Lies Nothing" for a one day download. I have it, of course, and I love it.

Bob's also going on a Summer tour with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp at minor league baseball fields. So far he'll be in Fresno and Stockton. I'm waiting for more dates to be announced to see if he'll be playing closer to home.

City Life: While I Watched Out For A Simple Twist Of Fate

***Note: This was also posted on Facebook. Most people don't read my long-ish notes posted there.

I met a friend for lunch. While consuming hummus out of an environmentally incorrect plastic container we pondered the flakiness of fellow humanity. I threw away the large plastic container with all its cringe inducing squareness but I recycled the Snapple bottle. Does that even things out?

After lunch I deliberately wandered down to the Financial District. I tried to make it look like I was out for a random stroll but not even the strangers who were paying attention were fooled. I saw a former colleague on her way to BART. She tried to pretend she didn't see me. I smiled at her through my oversized Raybans. She looked great in her high heels, shoes I could never wear.

The wind howled through those small concrete canyons of the District. It pushed and blew my long hair around. I gave up trying to get the tangles out. I longed to strip off my coat and throw my arms wide open to the wind as it slammed into me and nearly knocked me over while I stood on the corner of Market and Montgomery. It was all I could do to keep my iPod phones in my ears. Dylan's breakup songs from "Blood on the Tracks" provided my soundtrack.

Later, at the the Ferry Building I sat pondering the waves on the Bay and the construction of the boats. I managed to force myself to not buy a cup of Peets or Starbucks. I kept telling myself I really wasn't doing anything but in truth I was waiting. Eventually my time came. I walked slowly to the Kinkos at Sacramento St. and Davis. I think I might have had resolution to the mission I'd set for myself but I can't be sure. After I made my copies, I stood outside and contemplated that if I were a chain smoker I'd be having a cigarette while watching a MUNI bus parallel park in front of me. Instead, I fiddled unnecessarily with my iPod phones and called another colleague for coffee. No one was around and I turned slowly without looking up and walked back towards MUNI. I walked some more, determined to continue my spell of supposed aimless wandering but then my iPod crapped out from lack of charge plus my legs were tired. The spell was broken.

MUNI underground or above to home? Tough question. It was rush hour, after all.

Movie Musings: The Wages of Fear (1953)

Those guys might have been lowlife scumbags but they sure knew what the hell they were doing.

I just finished watching a film by French director Henri-Georges Clouzot, "Le Salaire de la Peur" or "The Wages of Fear," made in 1953. I had never heard of it before but saw it in the Criterion section at a DVD store. As soon as I read a synopsis of the film I had to rent it.

In a squalid South American oil town, four drifters are recruited for a suicide job: transport two trucks loaded with nitroglycerin 200 miles over a mountainous road to a burning oil field. Any bump or hole could set off their cargo. Their reward if they survive? $2,000 U.S. dollars, a fortune. They meet plenty of obstacles including their own fears and conflicts. Through it all these men show an admirable resourcefulness and courage.

The film is renowned as being one of the most suspenseful films ever made, and it had me on the edge of my seat once the action got started. The first half hour or 40 minutes is slow, showing the men, their circumstances, and the people in the town. The only way to describe the town is that it's an absolute shit hole. You can't blame them for wanting to leave.

The film was criticized for showing an uncaring American oil company in a foreign country that brazenly exploits the local workers. These scenes were cut when the film was released here in 1955. I was surprised at how honest these scenes were and applaud the director for showing what we now know U.S. corporations can be like.

It was also criticized for being sexist because one of the female characters is shown as a beautiful but bullied woman who scrubs the floors while on her hands and knees. Her man treats her badly and pushes her around.

The film is gloriously shot in black and white, and the editing is superb. I found myself rewinding to watch some scenes and pausing to look at certain moments in detail. Part of the pleasure is watching the characters' emotional journeys. They start out with a swagger, high and mighty and self-confident. Soon they become sweaty, dirty, bickering men, terrified of falling rocks and puddles. How each character reacts to this fear varies: wallowing in cowardice and single-minded ruthless survival both rear their ugly heads. Through it all the men are tied together for they can't survive without each other. Towards the end of their journey there is nothing left but compassion and tears. This is marvelous storytelling.

The film comes full circle with a twist proving its existentialist leanings.

William Friedkin, the great director of "The French Connection" and "The Exorcist," did a remake in 1977 called "Sorcerer." I'm looking forward to watching it and doing a comparison with this film.

Highly recommended.

Writing Life: The Mental Slog

Bob Dylan, around 1965 perhaps

I rearranged my desk to make it more inspirational for writing. There's a postcard of Rembrandt, some of my art books, some of my favorite non-fiction and fiction books, my own sketchbook open and displayed, a picture of me and a statute of a gryphon at Kew Gardens, and pictures of Bob. After careful searching I made the above picture my tiled wallpaper.

I love seeing this picture when I boot up my computer. I don't know what Bob's writing but I like to think he's working on one of his songs. He both hand wrote and typed his music. This picture makes me want to sit down and write too.

Lately I've been thinking of giving up fiction writing even though I've joined a writing group, bought an online writing course, and have been making great progress on my novel. I keep wondering what would happen if I just stopped but stopping doesn't feel right. On the other hand I feel like I cling to writing like a swimmer clings to a rock surrounded by the incoming tide.

I don't know what I would do with the left over void if I stopped. So much of my life has been set up to support it. Maybe that's my problem. I've put too much into it and let it take over my life.

These thoughts come out of the inevitable slog that writing is. It takes a very long time to write a novel, progress is slow, and there are no guarantees you or anybody else will like the finished product. Lately, I've been noticing how much writing wears me down mentally. So much of what I like to do is mentally oriented: writing and learning new subjects are at the top of the list. My brain seems to go on overload lately. It rebels. It wants to ditch writing for something else. "I need rest," my poor brain says.

Tom Robbins, author of "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues," said that a writer needs to do the following things everyday: 1) get at least 30 minutes of exercise to counteract the mental overload, 2) stare up at the sky (day or night, doesn't matter) for 30 minutes a day, 3) read poetry everyday, and 4) do something to keep your sexual energy up and channel that into your writing. He famously said, "Get yourself into that extreme state next to madness. You should always write with an erection. Even if you're a woman." Frankly, all of that sounds even more exhausting to me.

Last Monday I showed up at my writer's group, but no one else was there because of a scheduling mishap. I wrote for an hour anyway but before I did I reread last week's entry from my previous writer's group. I hadn't really thought about it but what I read was lovely! It wasn't perfect, needed more fleshing out and polishing but I loved the way the characters were interacting. It was subtle and poignant. To think I hadn't really thought about it until I reread it was a complete surprise.

Between being on mental overload and having experiences like the one in the previous paragraph makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a major tug-of-war. How on earth do I keep going when it's clear I have to keep moving forward? I'm just so tired, but then I look at the picture above on my tiled wallpaper and I just want to sit down and write some more.

"We'll Have To Do Something Off Our First Album Now. TAKE IT DEE DEE!!"

When I was in 6th grade I was introduced to the new music known as punk via my older brother's interesting musical tastes. My brother had a large collection of 8-track tapes and the most notorious one was "Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols." As a nervous youngster I took to covering it up when I saw it because of the word "Sex" in the title. Later, I moved beyond my brother's influence with The Ramones.

I was never a punk kid even though I kinda wanted to be. I was very goody-two-shoes, everyone called me a "schoolgirl." I was drawn to punk because I wanted to shock people, I guess. Secretly, I wanted a mohawk haircut and to wear leather jackets. Punk was so pure, unencumbered, and straightforward with The Ramones music being the most straightforward of them all. I was surfing around on youtube tonight and there are several clips of The Ramones performing at the US festival in 1982. While viewing them I was reminded that Ramones songs are economical. Many of the songs are very short, less than three minutes long, so you get lots of songs in a short amount of time. The driving guitar style, the fast pace. It's spare and brilliant. Here's a clip. It clocks in at about 2 minutes.

Years later, sometime in the early 1990s, I was driving somewhere and listening to Live 105 in the morning and the Alex Bennett Show. He was interviewing frontman Joey Ramone and they were having a nice chat. It's strange but his speaking voice** was and still is instantly recognizable to me. I can't remember when and where I first heard it but it's seared into my memory. Alex and Joey were talking about how much they like housework. Joey was saying he likes vacuuming and doing the dishes. Alex was really getting into this conversation thread and ran with it asking him if he likes other household chores like dusting. Alex and Joey then had the following exchange:

Alex: "So what about ironing? Do you like that because I like ironing."

(Joey doesn't answer. A very long pause.)

Joey: "Ironing. I don't know. Does it look like I iron?"

Alex (spoken quickly): "No, no, no, of course not."

Alex quickly moved onto other topics, but even though the topic was over I was laughing so hard in my car I could barely see where I was going. I kept picturing Joey Ramone with an iron, holding it up and looking at it quizzically.

For some reason I seem to be the only person on the planet who heard that interview because I've mentioned it to others who like The Ramones and they've never heard it. I suppose I can count myself blessed.

Joey Ramone died on April 15, 2001 of lymphoma, eight years ago today. Two other members Dee Dee Ramone and Johnny Ramone died within three years. Thank goodness we still have their music.

**Note: this link redirects to an interview with Joey about Iggy Pop. Iggy's an extreme performer and his onstage antics are both legendary and groundbreaking. You'll get a small taste of them in this link.

Two More Unflattering Self-Portraits

I messed around with the two below. I've printed the first one for my wall, along with the two from yesterday (middle one and last one).

Three Unflattering Self-Portraits

I wasn't trying to take unflattering self-portraits but I have to admit I've always liked the pictures that came out of this particular evening. I was experimenting with taking photos using just the computer screen light to see how they would come out.

This evening I started experimenting with colors, exposure, contrast, etc. and the results are the pictures you see below.

I love how harsh this picture looks. I'm particularly enamored of blue around my eyes and on my hair. I look paranoid.

I love how the pictures contrast with each other, color-wise. The warmish colors really seem to suit my expression in this picture.

This is probably my favorite one. The original is even more unflattering. I love the color on my lips even though I'm wearing lip balm.

There's something oddly liberating about taking unflattering pictures of myself. Never one to shy away from the camera, I'm always ready with a smile so these pictures show a different side of me that I like very much. Besides I love portraiture and I'm always curious about where else you can go beyond the "stand there and smile" shots.

I've been slowly adding more decor to my stripped down apartment and have made good progress with rearranging my desk. I thought about finding some cheap, but interesting pictures to frame for the area above my couch then I thought I'd see if there were unusual photos I could modify and print. I'm not sure if I'll be using the above photos but I wanted to see how they'd look posted.

Oh, and below is another self-portrait from the same night in case you don't know me and think I must be an ugly troll.

2008 River Cruise: My Day Alone in Prague - Prague Castle

The next day my tour mates and I were having breakfast. We had a free day to ourselves and everyone else, it seemed, had booked excursions. I had not and explained this to G and N. They looked at me like I told them I was going to sell drugs in the lobby.

N: "What are you going to do today?"

Me (lying): "I'm not sure. I'll figure something out."

In fact, I knew perfectly well what I was going to do, I just didn't want anyone to talk me out of it or to give me shit so I chose not to share my plans. After everyone left for their excursions I got ready to go. I talked to the concierge and asked her how to get to Prague Castle. The directions were simple enough: take the subway three stops out and get on the tram going up the hill. She paused, looked at me with a little pity it seemed, and then told me to watch out for pickpockets. I rolled my eyes at her and then walked out of the hotel. I may be an American easy to spot five blocks away, but I can handle myself.

The subway was a piece of cake. Very easy to use, easy to figure out which direction you're going in. It was very much like riding on the London Tube even the trains were about the same size, that smaller size, like toy trains. I exited the station and found the tram stop right outside. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out which direction I was going in then I talked to a small group of tourists who were also going to Prague Castle. The young dark haired woman who was serving as tour guide said to exit the tram when they do since we were all going to the same place.

Riding on the tram gave me a nice little view of Prague. It was very much like riding MUNI what with easy to spot tourists, locals who looked curiously at me, unwashed homeless people sleeping in the seats, and students laden with book bags. To minimize attention to myself I chose not to take any photographs on the way up to the Castle. It was a beautiful day. Cold, of course, but very clear and sunny.

Once I got to Prague Castle I went straight to the National Gallery at Sternberg Palace. It was just off the main square located in front of the castle and not very expensive. There were very few people and I slowly wandered through the galleries. They had a nice little collection of art including a few paintings by Durer, Rubens, and Bruegel the Elder. It made me a little sad for although the building the collection is housed in is a palace they didn't have enough money to keep the collection in the proper temperature controlled environment, nor did they have a good control of the sunlight in the rooms. After my visit I found out that the Prague National Gallery collections are housed in several buildings around the city and I had only seen one.

I spent at least two hours walking slowly through and making sketches. Most of the time I had whatever room I was in to myself. After a while the security guards started following me around, taking turns, watching me. I suppose someone like me is a red flag for them.

The picture above is an excerpt from my sketchbook. The top sketch is a detail from Ruben's "The Expulsion of Adam and Eve", 1620. This was a small painting, perhaps 11 x 17. The signs didn't say what the medium was but it appeared to oil on canvas. Even so the original has a sketchy, watercolory feel to it. I love the movement in this small picture. You see Death grabbing Eve's hair in a strange kind of twisted dance. His other hand is grabbing Adam's arm but I decided not to draw him. On the far left of the original painting is a sketchy, much less defined picture of the Archangel Michael with his flaming sword and the gates of Eden.

The bottom sketch is a fragment of a marble relief from the 12 Century. It's a gryphon, of course. Since I went on my NYC/Washington D.C. trip alone I've been sketching gryphons wherever I can find them. I added the color later with my new watercolor pencils. You can double click on the picture to see more details. I took the picture at 8 megapixals so it's very large.

I went into one of the side galleries on the way out and wandered through to the end where there was a massive altarpiece with six huge panels. I couldn't find the sign with artist's name but I'm judging it was from the 16th century. At least it was in a darkened room. I spent a long time in that little room staring at this altarpiece. It was very interesting, the figures were brightly colored, and the entire piece had a cartoon feel to it. A security guard had followed me into the room and stood there as I looked and looked at the painting for close to 10 minutes.

I don't take photographs in museums anymore even without a flash but I found a nice website which will give you an idea of what the museum is like.

After I left I went out to the main square at the Castle. The light was perfect for some pictures of the square and the city:

Some very fine street musicians in the square. They are playing almost directly across from Prague Castle entrance.



As you can see Prague is a beautiful city.

To the left of these last two pictures is a big staircase leading to the bottom of the hill. I was happy I wasn't walking up them.

My attempts to get a picture without people in it was in vain. This was the best I could do.

Next post: My Day Alone in Prague - The Charles Bridge.

"If I did sell out, it would be ladies' garments."

So said Bob during his 1965 press conference here in SF. I'm sure all of you have seen Bob's infamous Victoria's Secret ad from a couple of years ago. It features underwear model Adriana Lima and Bob in Venice. Bob's song "Lovesick" is on the soundtrack.

Click here to see it on youtube.

The ad caused quite a bit of controversy when it first aired. It was the first commercial Bob had ever appeared in and plenty of people were upset. Some people said Bob had finally sold his soul.

I think the ad is hilarious and weirdly sexy at the same time.

Although I'm late to the party I have to say that Bob gets to do whatever he wants. Let's say you're a straight male between the ages of 18-99 and Victoria's Secret shows up with the following offer: we'll fly you to Venice for two days all expenses paid, you get to hang out with some ridiculously beautiful women cavorting about in their underwear, and we'll pay you a bunch of money. What male wouldn't say yes to that offer?

Or as Bob himself said, "Was I not supposed to do that?"

Movie Musings: Watchmen

I saw Watchmen last night. Initially, I didn't want to see it because I didn't understand the story from seeing the trailers, but plenty of people seemed to like it and it was getting good reviews.

I really liked it a lot. Even more so now that I've had a day to let it sink in. And it's worth seeing on the big screen.

It started out well for me. The opening title sequence was spectacular. I thought that was just my opinion because they set it to Bob singing "The Times They Are A-Changing" but apparently I'm not the only one who feels that way.

The story is unusual. It's not the typical superhero story so it will take some getting used to. Most of the characters are very well done. Both Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the Comedian and Jackie Earl Haley as Rorschach turned in great performances. I loved Jackie Earl Haley's vigilante borderline sociopath.

The real star of the movie is the story world itself in all its beauty and gritty awfulness. The sets, the costumes, the story world's technologies, how they used the music, the story world's history, the characters' back stories, and the cinematography all come together beautifully to immerse the audience in the Watchmen universe.

The movie has great action sequences and special effects. It's also really violent and gory even by my standards. A couple of scenes made me squirm in my chair. There's a very explicit sex scene filmed in slow motion. Still, I thought these scenes made sense in the Watchmen story world and made sense for the characters. Nothing was out of place.

I'm probably going to see it again tomorrow on the IMAX. I recommend it highly but you have been warned. The movie seriously earns its R rating.

P.S. Oh, and three of Bob's songs are in it. "The Times They Are A-Changing" as I mentioned, Jimi's version of "All Along The Watchtower," and an abbreviated punk cover of "Desolation Row" by My Chemical Romance.

The Earth Will Turn And Hold Out Its Secrets

His arms hurt and he can't walk. He dreams too much. He's a lost one. He stands around on broken asphalt and cracked sidewalks.

There's an old day lurking somewhere around here and it sings to him in his quiet despairing moments of non-clarity. He's always haunting those places of memories when the kitchen was down on Main Street. The days stretch like glue in his worn out eyes. He's a wonder that man with his writing mind and twitching hands. I can't stop dreaming, he says. He doesn't let himself go that way, too scary and too real.

He knows it's a gift, a friend, an apple go lucky. His heart races and his nose bleeds. It's a rough day to be a hero in the hero's days and nights. Days are flowing by in the ocean of run down time. Take a good look before it all leaves. I take all this fantasy seriously, you know.

Call down in a warm voice. The days will run on the road at all hours and the earth will turn and hold out its secrets. We are here for those rainy days. It's a bigger way up than down to you. Just don't bypass it this time and reach for what's coming. It's time.

Will Immersion Lead to Burnout?

My obsession with Bob Dylan continues. Earlier this week I galloped my way through "The Rough Guide to Bob Dylan, 2d Ed." It was a library book and I had to finish reading it but in my usual fashion I can't skim a book on a subject I'm interested in. I have to read every word. I wanted to read "The Rough Guide" because I needed an overview of the man's life and work before I start diving into the serious biographies and "Chronicles vol. 1." After that I started taking in "No Direction Home" the splendid documentary by Martin Scorsese. I was about 30 minutes into the second half and had to take a break. In between the book and the documentary I was listening to "Blonde on Blonde," "Bringing It All Back Home," and "Highway 61 Revisited" over and over. I've heard "Blood on the Tracks" several times now, a stunning specimen of an album, but I'm just not ready for the mid-1970s yet.

I woke up earlier this week and realized I had finally gone overboard. Yes, I had been dreaming about Bob. It's like I was following him around on his world tour in 1966. I leaned against a pole backstage and listened to the audience booing the electric half of the show. I followed him as he fought his way through fans and the flashing light bulbs of the press. I watched him pop amphetamines and smoke a whole lot of pot. I watched him stay up all night smoking and writing and refining his songs on his portable typewriter. I had to keep getting out of the way of various people in his entourage, visitors (the Beatles), and D.A. Pennebaker with his film camera. None of them could see me. I felt a little like Mr. Gryphon.

I decided I should take a break from Bob. I'd finished reading the book. I took a deep breath and tried not to play any Bob songs then I found something on the internet. Something wonderful and true. I found Dylanradio.com.

Dylanradio.com plays his songs 24/7 spanning a recorded career from 1962 to a live set from this past week's concert in Sweden. A hundred versions of his songs stream though my computer: bootlegs, covers, studio outtakes, alternate cuts, throwaway tracks, and live versions from barely-able-to-hear-the-words in coffee shops to massive stadium concerts. I've been playing Dylanradio.com for hours and I just don't get tired of it. Today, I've heard about six different versions of "All Along The Watchtower" (though not the definitive version by Jimi Hendrix) and about the same number of versions of "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall." "A Hard Rain's" a glorious song by the way.

One of my really good friends pointed out a character trait of mine that I never really thought about before. She said I tend to immerse myself in subjects I want to know about. This is true but I feel so single-minded about Bob. I feel like a unending absorbent sponge that's soaking up this man's music and life. I feel like I'm inhaling Bob Dylan like I used to inhale books when I was in grade school and an obsessive reader.

I'm sure my ardor for all things Bob will cool down. I might even burn out on him. Until that happens I'm going to sit here listening to his songs and marvel at the wonder of it all. Even with this somewhat embarrassing single-minded focus I'm still glad to be me.

Pictures of the Pink Church - Exterior

The sun's not in the right place for these pictures but I wanted to share them here anyway. These are close ups of the Pink Church in my blog header. My original intent was to go inside and snap some shots of the interior, but the church was shut up tight. I'll post interior shots when I get them.

I'm On A Boat - SNL Short

Biologist #1 at the Aquarium played this short for me today and I laughed my ass off.

Warning: Since it's a rap song, or rather a parody of a rap song, there's a ton of profanity.

"Take a good hard look at the mutha fucking BOAT!"

Octopus Floods Aquarium

I love this news article in the LA Times about a small octopus that dissembled a valve in her tank yesterday. Octopuses are widely believed to be the most intelligent of the invertebrates. I did a post with an octopus story a while ago. Click here if you want to read it.

Facebook

I told a friend I would never put myself on Facebook but after having several conversations about how useful it is for staying in touch with people, I caved in. If you want to add me as a friend send me an email at this blog address.

One thing I'm NOT doing is providing a link to this blog on my Facebook page. I rather like being somewhat anonymous and I don't know if all my friends would appreciate some of my rantings, my bizarre flights of fancy, or my characters (imaginary friends).

I must admit after being on Facebook for a short time I'm already starting to find it a little tedious. I like being in touch with people, but you can spend a hell of a lot of time on there. The time I spend checking my email accounts and attempting to read the news is more than enough time as it is. Someone told me I could do all or most of my blogging there instead of here, but I would hate to restrict access like that. People couldn't just stumble on this blog with random searches.

At least I didn't put myself on myspace.

2008 River Cruise: (Sort of) Lost in Prague

Powder Tower in Prague. We should have made a left here, but we went straight instead.

After our Prague city tour and shopping around Old Town Square, me and my new friends G and N made our way back to the hotel. I had spent a couple of minutes with the tour guide getting directions. As it was I was the only person who knew which way to go. We started out going down the right street and reached the Powder Tower and kept walking. We made it to a major freeway intersection, crossed under the underpass, and realized quickly we were in the wrong place.

G and N became a little nervous and in a couple of minutes were starting to panic. I didn't know it at the time, but we were butting up against their biggest fear: getting lost in a foreign city. We started asking people passing by if they knew where the hotel was.

The first two people we stopped were two very nice young women. One spoke very good English. They didn't know where the hotel was but said it was nearby and offered to call it on their cell phones. We had no luck as they got connected to a woman in England (damn corporate hotel central reservations!), then we were disconnected. I managed to flag down a cab and we said goodbye to the two young women. The cab started shouting at us when we tried to get inside, "No passengers!" I closed the door and he drove off.

We crossed the street and met a delivery truck guy who couldn't speak English but was able to understand mostly what we were saying. G asked him if he could drive us there, but he refused as there was no room in the truck. She became angry, but we calmed her down. She kept saying all we had to do was have the hotel send a car to pick us up.

My two new friends were really starting to panic. I suggested we go back the way we came and start over again. I felt a little sheepish as I would have never allowed a situation like this to happen if I was on my own. I would have gotten a map and made someone mark off where we were starting and where the hotel was. Still, I wasn't afraid even if it was the late afternoon.

We finally met George, our knight in shining armor. George turned out to be from Oklahoma and he was an English teacher. He'd been living in Prague for over 10 years. He gently explained to G and N the best thing to do was get bus tickets and take right bus to the next stop. At this G and N became very agitated then I realized they were afraid of taking public transportation. I thought that was a little odd because we were only going to the next bus stop. George got us bus tickets, took us to the bus stop, made sure we got on the right bus, told us how to stamp our tickets, and sent us on our way. We tried to pay him, but he wouldn't accept our money, said we were insulting him by offering it.

He also told us not to take a cab under any circumstance because they're legendary for charging astronomical prices if you're a tourist. George was very kind and took so much time to help us with the bus tickets and helped me calm G and N down. Such a sweet man!

We met a lovely young woman on the bus who talked to G and N for a bit. I could see this was making them feel less afraid. Eagerly I looked around on the bus and paid close attention to our route. I love public transportation. Sure enough we drove right past our hotel and got off at the next stop about half a block away. It was getting dark when we walked back to our hotel, but I was feeling really good. I had enjoyed our little mishap.

When we got back to the hotel I found out that we should have made a left turn at the Powder Tower instead of going straight.

***
Later, I found out that G and N were well traveled but had never done anything outside of taking a tour. They'd never ventured forth on their own at all even when there was free time. On tours they take excursions but they're so afraid of being lost in a foreign city that they won't attempt to take public transportation even though it's much cheaper and a better way to see the inhabitants.

They also have a bad sense of direction. I know plenty of people don't have a good sense of direction, but it didn't take me long to figure out the reason why they never know where they are or where they're going is because they don't pay attention to their immediate surroundings. I'm always paying attention to where I am and looking around for landmarks when I travel. Sometimes I get turned around, but I can always find my way back to my destination.

G asked me later what I would have done had I been alone and gotten lost. My reply was it would have never happened. I would have been prepared with a map before starting out.

Duncan Sheik and Spring Awakening

There's a moment you know...
You're fucked
Not an inch more room to self-destruct
No more moves, oh yeah
The dead end zone
Man, you just can't call your soul your own

But the thing that makes you really jump
Is that the weirdest shit is still to come
You can ask yourself "Hey, what have I done?"
You're just a fly
The little guys, they kill for fun

Man, you're fucked if you just freeze up
Can't do that thing, that keeping still
But you're fucked if you speak your mind
And you know, uh huh, you will

Yeah, you're fucked all right
And all for spite
You can kiss your sorry ass goodbye
Totally fucked
While they mess you up
Well, you know they're going to try

-"Totally Fucked" from "Spring Awakening"***

I just got back from seeing Duncan Sheik at the Palace of Fine Arts. I wasn't so familiar with Duncan although I realized later "Barely Breathing" was one of my favorite songs when it came out in the mid-1990s. In addition, "On a High" and "She Runs Away" were familiar when he sang them.

Duncan and his band at the Palace of Fine Arts

No, I was most familiar with Duncan because of the Broadway show "Spring Awakening." This is my favorite show. There are three shows I've seen in my life that really broke me open both in amazement and overwhelming emotion. The first was "Zorba" after "Zorba the Greek." I got to see Anthony Quinn do the same role in the musical that he did in the film not once but twice. The second show was "Black Rider" written by William S. Burroughs with songs by Tom Waits. It's difficult to explain to someone who isn't familiar with the show how incredible and unusual it was, but I can say that if all the shows weren't sold out I would have definitely seen it more than once.

I saw "Spring Awakening" three (3) times when it was playing here.

The show is groundbreaking with very adult (and quite grim) themes. It centers around a group of teenagers in late 1800s Germany and their various "awakenings." Sex, angst, teen pregnancy, abortion, homosexuality, teen suicide, profanity, rebellion and child abuse all figure prominently. Yes, it's dark and explicit but it's also an amazing, sometimes harrowing show. The music is fantastic and Duncan won two well-deserved Tonys for it. The show as a whole won eight (8) Tonys.

Back to the concert. Lauren Pritchard, who played Ilse in the original Broadway show, was part of Duncan's band so they sang some "Spring Awakening" songs including "Mama Who Bore Me," "Touch Me," The Dark I Know Well," and "Don't Do Sadness/Blue Wind." What a lovely treat! Duncan played some songs from his new album "Whisper House" which is also going to be a Broadway show. It's a ghost story and judging from the songs it's going to be another dark one.

Duncan did not sing "Barely Breathing" much to the great disappointment of the young man sitting next to me. He kept yelling "Barely Breathing!" at Duncan towards the end of the show and while we were applauding before the encore. Instead, Duncan sang "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead. I felt Duncan and his band deserved a standing ovation just for that song and I was happy to give it to them.

I wasn't expecting to go to this show, but one of my friends called me earlier today to see if I could go. Sometimes life brings you unexpected gifts.

***"Totally Fucked" is a welcome relief in the second act of "Spring Awakening." Several tragedies have occurred and during this song the main character stands his ground and speaks the truth even if the consequences are terrible for him. Towards the end of the song the kids are jumping around the adults on the stage in rebellious exhilaration. The song ends with the kids flipping everybody off in complete defiance. It's one of my favorite moments in the show.

2009 Job Hunt: Checking In

So the big news for now is...there are very few jobs and I still don't have one. I've been trying to review the written materials I got from the career transition outfit that was part of my severance package when I was laid off last year. I don't have access to their services or their website because I can't afford it but the written materials have proven to be very useful.

My first task was to survey my immediate professional environment so I spent a couple of days on law.com reading about the "Wall Street Crisis" and their list of layoffs. Last week was a particularly nasty week of bloodletting with over 1,000 jobs lost on Thursday. I learned that most folks in the legal industry see this crisis lasting for the rest of this year and through most of next year. That means more jobs will be cut, positions consolidated, and employers will be looking for creative ways to cut even more costs.

It's depressing stuff to be sure, but I have to say knowledge is power. People keeping shaking their heads and saying "What do you do?" The answer is I go out there and keep looking. It's going to take a long time to find a job what with the market being flooded with paralegals, but the jobs are out there. Getting crystal clear about my skills and experience so I can discuss and write about them well, boning up on my interview skills, and coming up with a targeted list of places to pursue a position are all very worthwhile ways to spend my time.

Things could be much worse for me. Consider the following: I could have a serious illness which would give a whole new meaning to the term "health care benefits." I could have a mortgage, and worse, a sub-prime mortgage I'm trying to dig my way out of. I could have a kid or kids and be a single parent. I could be employed at a place where everyone is waiting to see if layoffs will occur. I could be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't love me and will never love me. I could have a back injury, the flu, an addiction, no friends, and no way to watch the first season of "Lost."

So even though I have no job right now I count myself lucky. And if I can't get a job I have a backup plan. Many people don't have the kind of support I have. I'm a blessed person.

In addition to job hunting related activities, I'm going to try to make the very best of this time. I have been showered with even more time to do things I've been wanting to do. Now is the time to make real progress with my personal life. It is the silver lining in the middle of all these storm clouds.

View Outside My Window: A Break In The Rain

It's been a while since I posted one of these pictures. It's been raining lately.

Your Debutante Knows What You Need But I Know What You Want

It's been a week of My Listy and other efficiencies. The flushed-with-function working papers are piled up in black and white stacks just waiting to rush forward. Ideas fly around like small owls racing away from the cold dawning Sun. Bats open and close their wings in appreciation. They lean forward, teeth out, as I gently hand them their magic fruit breakfasts, juices running riot over my fingers.

It's also been a week of rollercoastering emotions. Just last week I thought I'd die or at least switch identities from the rising floods around here. Salt and waves were threatening to knock me off my lone rocky island. The tide sneaked in and surrounded me, unceremoniously. I stayed stranded (or maybe LOST) but only for 48 hours before my imaginary friend came to get me in a tiny boat with choking outboard motor, with the gasoline fumes overwhelming my olfactory sense. The rain made things more difficult but there's always a hot fireplace and welcome bathtub to crawl back to. That you can be sure of.

After the floods came the battle with the volcanoes, the roiling gray-white hot ash. The flooding hot mud. I was in the truck just ahead of the eruption's blast, my companion yelling "We CAN'T outrun the ASH!" I knew differently especially as I pushed the truck to 125 mph. It was a straight if bumpy road. We would find sanctuary soon even as I tried to unclench my teeth. The wind kicked up hot air but the truck didn't fall apart and I managed to keep myself grounded in the midst of hell's earthly appearance.

Now the volcanoes are reduced to the sometime desire to throw something against my apartment walls, but I'm willing to throw one of the dog's soft cushy toys so we know what that's about, and I'm sure you'll agree I've come far just in the past few hours.

Times sure have become a scarcity and conservative's wet dream. By conservative, I'm not talking elephants, not even the neo-con ones. I'm talking about people who don't want to rock the boat, money hangers-on is what I'm talking about. There are greenbacks to grip tightly in panicked fists and taxes to dry heave about. I'm in a good place even without employment. I believe in myself, and more importantly, I believe in the power of information and the scattering of ideas, albeit some unconventional ones.

Even with all that activity efficiency reigns in this place. Oh, and I still get to keep those desirable package deals with their swooning riffs and endless compliments. I didn't have to trade them in after all.

2008 River Cruise: Prague in the Morning

On my first morning in Prague, or Praha in Czech, our group had a city tour. The weather wasn't bad, somewhere in the lower 50s. I felt odd being alone but decided not to worry about it. In my usual fashion I stayed somewhat apart from people at first, but people in my tour group soon took an interest in me, particularly when they saw me attempting to take self-portraits.

A frantic shot of the Vltava river taken while the bus rolled over one of Prague's many bridges.

Our tour started at the top of Prague Castle. You can just see it in the photo above on the distant right. The weather was cold, but splendid. As we all assembled outside the bus we had to wait for our local guide. While waiting two older women, cousins who were traveling together, struck up a conversation with me. They clucked in disapproval when I told them I was traveling alone and before I knew it they had adopted me. I'll call them G and N.

It was colder at the top of Prague Castle. I had to put my gloves on. Prague Castle is a complex of the main castle, St. Vitus Cathedral, lessor castles, gardens and halls. The President of Prague lives there and it's a place where most Czech government functions occur.

A properly stoic guard although I did manage to get him to crack a momentary smile.

We were just in time to see the changing of the guard at the entrance of the castle. I watched the proceedings with curiosity since I missed the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace when I was in London a few years ago. Our tour guide explained that the guards are properly stoic, that is not allowed to smile, move, or speak, just like in London. People took tons of pictures of them, posing and giggling. I was wearing my ray bans when I snapped the picture above. I got the guard to smile just for a moment when I lowered my sunglasses, smiled hugely, and said "Thank You" in sugar-coated tones.

We were herded into one of the many courtyards in the complex. While our tour guide did some explaining I wandered off a little taking care not to venture too far off. I was not yet familiar with my group and worried about losing them as there were other tours coming in by the bus load.

One of the courtyards at Prague Castle.

We went through a side entrance at last and I saw our first destination: the grandiose St. Vitus Cathedral. I was terribly excited. I love church architecture.

The real deal complete with all the elements to make you look upwards so you feel properly humbled before God.

The cathedral is massive, dark, and cold. All that stone and stained glass everywhere. We were asked not to use a flash so I took plenty of pictures, but many of them didn't come out.

A particularly splendid stained glass specimen, the Mucha window.

I kept wandering around and soon realized that my new friends G and N were a little disconcerted with this behavior. They didn't say anything, of course. On the tour we had these headsets so we could still hear our tour guide even if I wandered off a bit. These pictures simply cannot show the grand size and scale of this place.

This picture might give you a better idea. Note the flying buttresses, one of my very favorite architectural features.

Here's the front entrance of St. Vitus' with its rose window.

Although the spectacular chapel of St. Wenceslas (his relics are kept here) was undergoing renovations we were still allowed to take a peek inside. There are over 1300 semi-precious stones and paintings here and the chandelier is made of gold and more precious stones. I couldn't get a very clear picture but you can still get a general feel for this place.

Absolutely breathtaking...

We left St. Vitus for the front entrance of Prague Castle and the huge courtyard. I took pictures from the viewing area on the hill, but was shooting directly into the sun so none of them came out well, but I'll post better pictures in a later post.

I continued to wander around without my new companions and away from the tour group. I noted happily that they had a National Gallery in the complex which would inform my plans for the next day.

We made a pit stop at the water closet and while everyone was waiting around, I noted that G and N were chatting with people from our group. I was more standoff-ish until a nice man offered to take a photo of me since I kept trying to take self-portraits. G and N introduced me to a few people and I talked them for a while. Then we piled onto the tour bus and made our way towards Old Town which is situated on the other side of the river from Prague Castle.

On the way to the Old Town Square we did get to see a bit of the Jewish Quarter (the Josefov) in Prague, but only just. The tour guide was moving too fast. G loves cemeteries and since N is Jewish she wanted to see the synagogue and the cemetery, but both were closed up tight. I was as disappointed as they were.

Old Town or Stare Mesto is where the Prague was first settled as our guide told us. We had been told by the tour guide that we would have a few hours to explore Old Town after the tour and then we could make our way back to the hotel on our own since it's within walking distance. I was getting antsy. I was feeling the confining effect of being on a group tour.

The Old Town Square is very beautiful.

We were told about the history of the Square and surrounding buildings. The tour was finished up by giving us a short history of the world famous medieval Prague Astronomical Clock which shows the positions of the Sun, Moon, and some planets.

The beautiful clock.

After getting directions so we could make our way back to the hotel, G, N and I left the tour group. G had been in Prague eight years earlier with her daughter and they had found a vegetarian restaurant just off the Square that she claims was the best vegetarian food she ever had. In the spirit of adventure, we set off to find it. After some twists and turns we finally asked a clerk in a jewelry shop down one of the side streets and she gave us general directions. I found out quickly that G has a terrible sense of direction, but we managed to find the place and she was very happy.

In front of the restaurant. If you take the street directly opposite the Clock and wind your way down the narrow street you'll see it off to the right side after the equivalent of a block or two.

The restaurant was very stripped down, cafeteria style. We gathered our trays and started piling food on our plates. N was very skeptical, apparently she's not a very adventurous eater. Each dish was labeled in English, but sometimes what the card said didn't correspond with what the food looked like. No matter, we pressed on. By the time we got to the cashier it became clear that this was a place were locals like to eat lunch. It was very cheap and we were the only tourists. The cashier barely spoke English, but we managed to pay for our food and find a table. The other folks at the tables looked at us in surprise as we passed them.

Here's a picture of my plate. Don't ask me what the food was. All I know is the soup was a lovely carrot soup.

The food was spectacular. As G promised it was the very best vegetarian food I've ever had. I couldn't believe it! Eagerly we gobbled up our food while N sat with us. She barely picked at her plate. I guess she didn't like it much. Most of the food was in a kind of casserole style with plenty of grains. Yummy! I highly recommend it (if you can find the restaurant) for a delicious, off-the-beaten-path experience.

After our meal the three of us wandered around the various gift shops around the Square. My feet were cold so I looked for socks, but there were none to be had. The search for socks became a running joke between the three of us. I bought a couple of things but wandering the gift shops isn't really my deal especially if you keep going into one gift shop after another that keeps selling the same shit over and over. I soon realized this seems to be how many people visit other countries: they go on a tour and afterwards go shopping in tourist gift shops. Yick.

After wandering for a while the ladies decided we should make our way back to the hotel. We thought we were following the proper directions, but I turned out to be wrong.

Next up: Sort of Lost in Prague

He's Hoping I'll Come Through

Won't you come with me baby ?
I'll take you where you wanna go
And if it don't work out
You'll be the first to know
I'm pledging my time to you
Hopin' you'll come through too.

- Bob Dylan, "I'm Pledging My Time," Blonde on Blonde, 1966

It's amazing how you can take forms of art, such as the above lyrics, and apply it to whatever is going on in your life. I feel like I'm on the verge of a faint blossoming, that I'll see the silver streaked road over the next rise on that hill of saturated green in the distance. The question is do I want to climb that hill?

The alternative is rather staid, but at least it won't be stifling. Haven't I always said I've wanted to hear the words: "Stay with me. Stay with me because it's better to be together than apart. Stay with me and we'll be unstoppable."

It sounds like I'm auditioning for a weird stage play featuring two superheros in Danskin tights who are on the verge of splitting up, but know that their strength lies in being as one. The stage is too small, wooden. The tights are too tight, they don't match exactly. The older superhero is so confused that he has to read from the script because he keeps losing his place. The curtains are tattered and yellow. And yet there's the fragrant note of optimism in the air which hovers as the audience rises to its feet at the end. It's a sweet time to be a superhero in a stage play.

It's an even sweeter time to listen to Bob Dylan who might just sway this situation with his harmonica, organ, and guitar. I keep asking myself if I trust Bob, but what I'm really asking is do I trust myself? I'm supposed to be fragile, but I know I'm not. Perhaps I need to stop acting so fragile. After all, a superhero is still a superhero even on a too small stage.

But There's Nothing Really Nothing To Turn Off

"That's some patient pup you've got there, Miss Turtle."

"Hm," I say in response. The apartment door has closed behind me and I am making my way down some burgundy heavily carpeted stairs. The apartment building is grand and old. The stairs are narrow and I hold the white painted banister with my right hand. I walk through the lovely lobby of the building, Mr. Gryphon behind me. I walk out of the building and turn right. I am approaching the corner of Gough and Broadway in my beloved City. It's a pleasant, cool night. The cool air feels good on my tear stained cheeks.

"Do you want my opinion?"

"You seem to want to give it to me," I say as we cross the intersection toward my car. I am making slow, almost swaggering strides. Lower Pacific Heights is a lovely neighborhood of beautiful houses, apartment buildings, and school buildings.

"The bones of your ghosts are seeping in compassion and trust. They cannot hold themselves together for long before they dissolve leaving you in a place of affection and friendship."

I turn around about a half a block from where my car is. I stare at Mr. Gryphon. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I put my hand on my hip. My trademark tears are starting up again. I am angry and hurt. Angry at myself for tender feelings. Hurt about the situation.

"I mean," says Gryphon as he walks slowly up to me and slides his arms around me, "I'm feeling an affinity for your pup, there." The way he's holding me is too familiar for comfort. I pull away and start walking back towards the car.

"Yes, Mr. Gryphon, you AND the dog are apparently in complete agreement." He says nothing in response, but I know that no matter what happens he will still be there with me. He will not leave me and he will always give me a place to come back to.

Some lines from a song plays in my mind:
Lights flicker from the opposite loft
In this room the heat pipes just cough
The country music station plays soft

But there's nothing really nothing to turn off*

I stop next to my car. "Mr. Gryphon, why can't you be my boyfriend?"

He blinks slowly before responding. "I'm your imaginary friend. Boyfriend or no, it appears you've found the real deal, Miss Turtle. There's nothing to turn off here from what I can see." I glare at him and then make my way to the driver's side of my car. I get inside then open the door for him. He slides in easily.

"This sucks," I say my voice breaking a little. I have put my keys in the ignition, but have not turned them yet. I put my hands on the steering wheel, gripping tightly. "It appears, Mr. Gryphon, that I have truly found what I've been looking for."

"So you have, Miss Turtle. What are you going to do now?"

I grit my teeth. "You know what I'm going to do now." Mr. Gryphon smiles a rare smile at me. I turn the key in the ignition and pull away from the curb. It will be good to get home.

*Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna," Blonde on Blonde, 1966

2008 River Cruise: Introduction

In early 2008 I decided I would take my long awaited trip to Europe. I wanted to travel with someone else. I knew I had to see Nuremberg, Germany because I needed to see the place where my novel is set. My original itinerary was to fly into Amsterdam, go to Ghent and Bruges (in Belgium), take the train to Colmar, France to see the Isenheim Altarpiece, do a bit of wine tasting in the Alsace wine region, and finally spend the remainder of my vacation in Nuremberg and Ansbach, Germany.

I couldn't find anyone to go with me. As the time got closer to when I was supposed to leave I got more and more nervous about going alone. I've traveled on my own just fine, but was intimidated about going to the Continent by myself. I had read an article by Arthur Frommer about river cruising earlier in the year and decided to do that. I would still be able to see Nuremberg or at least get a decent overview of it and then go back on my own if I determined that would be a safe thing to do.

I selected a cruise down the Danube River with Avalon Waterways. It was very expensive because I paid the single supplement so I could have my own cabin, but I can tell you now it was worth every penny.

Below is the Itinerary
2.5 days in Prague, Czech Republic
Take a four hour bus ride to Nuremberg, Germany and board the boat there.
A half day bus tour of Nuremberg then back to the boat, boat leaves Nuremberg.
Arrive in Regensberg, Germany, take morning tour, afternoon at leisure
Arrive in Passau, take optional excursion to Salzburg, Austria, meet boat in Linz
Arrive in Melk, Austria for tour of the Abby
Arrive in Vienna, Austria for morning tour, afternoon at leisure
Arrive in Budapest, Hungary, morning at leisure, afternoon tour
Fly home

On top of everything this was a special wine cruise where we had tastings and special wine lectures/tours almost every day. No need to worry about drinking and driving!

One of the first things I realized was that I could easily travel in any of these cities by myself. It would be helpful to know some German, but I felt so comfortable and so many people speak English that I knew I could take those places on my own. Even though I'm still unemployed and ever broke, I'm definitely going back there on my own.

Next post: Prague in the Morning