Dating Life: I Posted This Ad On Craigslist...Annotated

Note: I posted this ad on craigslist last Valentines Day. It was just an experiment. I was more interested in writing the ad itself and not at all interested in meeting anybody. I got something like 20 responses, none of them viable. I took the ad down after I kept receiving responses asking what kind of drugs I was using (none). Here for your reading pleasure is the ad, annotated.

***

Un Chien Andalou (n.1) or Warm and Heavy Like Old Friendship

[Once upon a time...] (n.2)

Those ancient and old symbols quiver in the bright sunlight. We don't feel as old as we are but time keeps marching on as soldiers in formation. While the phalanx formation was appropriate for angels (n.3), time has no such poetry. It's all just straight lines and measured beats.

Speaking of poetry, how about if I do a little waxing? Of moonlight and walks on the beach? Of the stars that twinkle like shattered windshield glass on nighttime asphalt (n.4)? On seashore while we walk, ignoring the flaring bonfires of hipsters and hippies in our midst, watching cloud-like clumps of sea foam sliding across dark wet sand (n.5). Sandpipers are just barely visible running over the shore, delicate shadows. I could go on but I think what makes this evening special is the easy silence between us, your arm around my shoulders, warm and heavy like old friendship.

[Eight years later...]

This past week it's all about the films. Independent ones. I've tried cramming as many films into this week and next that I'm about to collapse from the stories and images flying around my subconscious like sugared up screech owls (n.6). Sure, I stole those words from the title cards but I couldn't resist. This post is about time after all. Time together, time marching on, the time of our lives, good times, and the time is now. Time bending and twisting like my brain did while watch nun exploitation films at 1:00 am with bad editing and worse acting (n.7).

I like to do a lot of other stuff too. Writing, obviously, though I write fiction with coherent stories most of the time. I like looking at paintings and sculptures. I like notes and beats, instruments. The usual stuff, though I'd be lying if I didn't disclose that the main reason I indulge myself in such pursuits is to fuel my imagination for more writing. Speaking of more, let's talk about that. More excellent conversation, more sexy moments, more telling you how cool you are (n.8), more fun times, more exploration of the world and each other.

Not less. I'm tired of less. The biggest form of less in my life right now is the job situation, just so you know. Other forms of less that have proved tiring: less kindness, less warmth, less understanding, less lovely connections.

[Around three in the morning...]

We are not battleships passing each other in the night firing our guns at random. When we see each other, we defy the usual norms by actually staying and talking, then asking each other our names, then explaining that we'd like to meet for coffee or a dinner. We like each other and follow through. We listen to each other and want to know more stuff about...us. At least that's the hope. A good one, wouldn't you say? For hope is not the broken down, kicked-in-the-ass bird trying to fly around on one wing that I sometimes imagine it to be. No, hope is the real deal, the enduring idea, and the sweet clenching in my chest. Hope never goes away in spite of my best efforts (n.9).

[Sixteen years ago...]

About me:
Long dark hair, eyes like the night wind
A little on the chubby side (padded)
Beautiful but in an average, non-descript way (n.10)
A solar-like smile
Short

Looking for single/divorced, educated man.

[In the Spring...]

My life is full of too many maybes and what ifs. You know what I mean. These things crowd around me like gnats with tiny bombs. The only what ifs worthy of my attention are the ones related to my stories. Time to walk out into this big world, barefoot and open. Time to take a look around. Time to see what's up. If you've made it this far in this post, I thank you for reading. If you're at all interested, please do write.

****

I've written some excellent ads on craiglist over the years but this was the weirdest one. I read a horoscope that stated I needed to keep experimenting and frolicking around in matters of love. Or rather I interpreted it as frolicking. This was one way I could think of doing just that. I have no idea if I'll get any responses but I wanted to share this strange piece of writing with you anyway. Besides, it's fucking Valentine's Day, right?

***

Footnotes
(n.1) "Un Chien Andalou" is the most famous surrealist film ever made. It was a French silent film made in 1929 and directed by Luis Bunuel. Here's a blog post I did on it.
(n.2) The comments in brackets follow the title cards in "Un Chien Andalou," hence the post title. A title card was used in silent films to set the time, note dialogue, or provide explanations. Luis used the title cards in this film to mess around with time and force people to shift their expectations of what was happening when.
(n.3) In Milton's "Paradise Lost," there's a war in Heaven and the angels use the Ancient Greek phalanx formation in their battles. If you've seen the movie "300," Gerard Butler goes into a short explanation of how it works.
(n.4) It occurred to me that this phrase "shattered windshield glass on nighttime asphalt" might be a bit too grim to include in a personal ad but I left it in because I really like it.
(n.5) I was walking on Ocean Beach by myself one night and there were these giant clumps of seafoam sliding across the dark wet sand. They looked like cumulus clouds and they were moving very steadily. I felt like a giant walking on the roof of the world.
(n.6) I was in the middle of attending the San Francisco Independent Film Festival (SF IndieFest) when I wrote this post.
(n.7) The name of this film was "Nude Nuns With Big Guns" and I really did watch at 1:00 am.
(n.8) In Miss Turtle's world, one of the biggest compliments I can give a guy is "You are so cool." The only one that's better is when I tell him he's my hero. Heroes in my life are few and far between, starting with my Dad. The guy has to be a knockout to reach that status.
(n.9) This part is painfully honest. I'm generally a cynic when it comes to matters of love but this little confession about how hope never goes away even though I try to beat the crap out of it is so true.
(n.10) I'm always brutally honest when I post dating ads but there's nothing average and non-descript about the way I look. I wrote that down because guys never seem to notice me.

Old Blog - Dating Life: Strange Comments From Guys I've Dated

(First posted 12/14/05)  A friend of mine asked me to put this post up along with its counterpart (see post below)

"I always sleep with the same hand towel on my head every night.  I've been doing that since I was three years old." (First Date)

"You really should check out the Power Exchange sometime but it's only interesting if you're really drunk or really stoned." (Second Date - The Power Exchange is a famous sex/fetish club here in SF.  I have not been there.)

"Don't you want to be loved, adored, and worshiped?  Don't you?" (Second Date)

"I guess you're kinda cute." (First Date)

"Since we have time before the movie starts, why don't we go to my car and stretch out in the back seat?  I have some CDs we can listen to." (First Date - the guy was particularly proud that he had an SUV and really wanted to get me in there)

"So what are your feelings about the toilet seat?  Should it be up or down?" (First Date)

"So when do we get to have sex?" (Fourth Date - This guy was not making any moves in that direction at all.  He wasn't trying to hold my hand nor did he try to kiss me.  Nothing.)

"Yes, I have a real Warhol.  I used to have a Chagall but I gave it to my lawyers to pay for attorney's fees." (Second Date)

"I can't watch movies with subtitles and eat at the same time." (Second Date)

Old Blog - Dating Life: Strange Comments I've Made To Guys I've Dated

(First posted on 12/22/05)  In all fairness, I've decided to include the list below.  I can be quirky and stupid, and I'm known for sticking my foot in my mouth.  At least I'm honest about it.

"So what is the point of being enlightened anyway?" (First Date - I said this after a guy was explaining with much enthusiasm how he had achieved a high level of spiritual awareness.  I also quoted Captain Kirk during this conversation.)

"It's time for you to shut the fuck up now."  (Third Date - The guy was going on and on about how hemp was going to save the world.)

"I can't spend the night with you.  My dog has serious separation anxiety and she will freak out if I don't come home." (Fourth Date - It has been suggested that I've used this as an excuse, maybe it's along the same lines as "You can't come up to my apartment, my dog hates men," but it's true; my dog can't handle being by herself all night long.)

"Wait, isn't your email handle the same name as the husband who killed his wife in 'Vertigo?'" (First Phone Call - It turned out of the true, believe it or not.  He never thought in a million years that anyone would figure that out.  This is why Google is so great.)

"This is just a one night stand.  I can't be your girlfriend." (The Day After - apparently it wasn't clear to the guy that this was the situation because he kept insisting that I really did want to be his girlfriend.)

"You've been evaluating and testing me all evening, trying to see if I fit into some preconceived notions of what a mate should be.  Knock it off." (First Date - this guy was clearly looking for a wife and I passed all his tests with flying colors.  Unfortunately I couldn't stand him.)

"What kind of person doesn't watch DVD commentaries?" (Third Date - Sometimes the movie snob in me comes out in full force.  The guy liked movies; I was floored when he told me he'd never watched a DVD commentary.  He said it was too much of a time commitment.)

"I'm sick of people making fun of me because I love Harry Potter.  You need to get out of my face with that shit." (First Date - I've made this comment, or a similar one, a couple of times now.)

"Are you going to talk to me or are you just going to stand there talking to your friend?" (First Meeting - I was sitting at a restaurant bar eating dinner and reading a book.  This older gentleman was standing nearby talking to his friend about the book I was reading but looking at me.  He did talk to me but was so thrown by what I said that it didn't last long.)

"Was that a joke?  Are you being funny?" (Fourth Date - This was a difficult one for me.  I really liked the guy but was self-conscious around him.  I couldn't tell if he liked me, I couldn't tell if he was joking most of the time, and he was very impatient about it.  He concluded that I had no sense of humor and we were not compatible.)

"Why did you bring that leather whip?" (First Time Sleeping Together - I think it's rude to bring your BDSM toys to bed the first time you're going to sleep with someone without checking to see if the other person is into it too.)

"What is up with the stem on this rose?" (First Date - This guy bought me a rose while we were having dinner in North Beach.  The stem was really thick.  I proceeded to suggest that the stem had been genetically engineered to be thick and went on about the possible reasons why.  He didn't know how to respond to my comments.  Poor guy.)

"Don't make me figure out the tip." (Nearly Every Date - said in the same tone of voice as "Don't make me hurt you.")

Dating Life: Don't. Touch. The. Pictures.

I met a guy a few months ago. It was our first meeting and I'd picked a fabulous venue for our first date, if you want to call it that: Stanford University's Cantor Arts Center. It was a beautiful day and I was going there to not only meet this guy, but to make small dream come true.

Richard Avedon's book of portraits In the American West is my favorite photography book of all time. I have it in my office at work, open and propped up on a shelf, and every week or so I change the pages so I can ponder and be amazed by yet another portrait. The photographs are uncompromising and challenging. I can look at them for hours. I even wrote a short story based on one of them.

Stanford's Cantor Arts Center was exhibiting half of the portraits from the original show shown in 1985. I couldn't wait to see them. Avedon had chosen to blow the portraits up to huge size so they were even more in your face.

As I met the guy, I managed to be fairly reserved, but I was jumping out of my skin with anticipation for this exhibit. When we got to the room with the portraits, I felt like I was going to pass out from giddiness.

Oh my God! They were all just as marvelous and moving and wonderful and disturbing as I thought they would be. They featured some of my favorites, including the one I based my short story on. We talked about each photograph, about the subject, about the details we could see in the pictures. Things were going well. I was really happy.

And then...he reached out to make a point about one of the portraits and he touched the photograph.

I flinched where I was standing. Then I kept flinching because he kept doing it as we moved around the room. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should tell him to knock it off, but I was worried he would think I was too uptight. Then I realized anybody who felt that way about something I said didn't deserve to spend time with me, especially in that place. I was about to tell him to stop when a security guard showed up and told him to back off. I breathed a sigh of relief. He made a snide comment about how he "broke the rules."

Now you should know I had a similar attitude about touching art when I was much younger. I worked at a children's museum where everything was interactive and had an arrogant view of "regular" art which you weren't supposed to touch. In fact, I almost got booted out of the San Jose Museum because I insisted upon sitting inside a 3-D piece of art. When the security guard came up and told me to remove myself or I would be asked to leave, I sneered much in the same way this guy did. I explained to the guard that the best way to experience the piece was clearly sitting inside it and it was his loss if he didn't see it that way.

I have since learned more about art, what makes art special and why I love it so much. I still like to get close to pieces, but I don't try to touch them anymore. Getting close is one thing (sometimes the guards still have to ask me to back off), but touching those pictures is quite another. For crying out loud they were from the original show and Avedon is dead!

The guy did give me a nice compliment. He said he hadn't been with someone as intellectual as me in a long time, and that I had a lot of depth. Still, it didn't work out. He wasn't into me either.

Dating Life: Online Dating Update

Since I came here four or so years ago, I've had some experience with online dating. I've been on Chemistry.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com and Craigslist.org, plus some weird site where you and your dog are matched up with someone and their dog. I have to say I like Craigslist a lot because of its democratic nature, plus I can exercise my good writing skills there. That being said, I think the chances of finding a long-term relationship on Craigslist are only a little better than finding a long-term relationship on MUNI. I'm not knocking MUNI. I love our public transportation system, warts and all, and I've heard of people meeting on MUNI and getting into long-term relationships, but I still think the chances of that happening are very slim.

A friend of mine commented recently that she felt her choices for men were far better on BART than on any online service. I don't commute on BART so I wouldn't know.

Supposedly, your chances of finding a long-term relationship on Match, Chemistry and eHarmony are much better. I tried Match.com and it was a complete bust. Sure about 650 men looked at my profile (picture), but the only ones who contacted me lived in New York. somewhere in the Middle East (I forget where) and London. I terminated my account with Match because I thought finding someone who lives on the West Coast might be a good place to start.

Chemistry is similar to eHarmony in that you fill out a lengthy questionnaire, they come up with a personality profile then they "match" you with people. Like eHarmony, they have a "guided" process where you can send questions to the person, they respond, and you go from there. I didn't have much luck on Chemistry either. Several months of that yielded me the conversation I had below "All he could say was 'Oh.'"

In all fairness, a friend mine met her boyfriend on Chemistry. They are doing very well. Her success gives me hope that I might do just as well someday.

A couple of people I know are either on eHarmony or have had good luck there so I thought I'd give it a shot. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but one thing I do know for sure is you will not meet anybody, least of all the love of your life, if you stay in your apartment and do nothing. Okay, there might be times when you call the repairman or the cable guy shows up and it's all flowers and stars, but I think those times are unexpected, few and far between.

At this juncture, I'm really trying to keep an open mind. I've decided that casting a wide net is best. As long as the guy's picture doesn't make me go "ARRRGGH" and his profile is reasonable, I'm going to start communicating with him. I would like to be in a long-term, healthy relationship (emphasis on the word healthy), but for now I think it would be best for me to take things one step at a time and just find someone interesting who lives in the Bay Area who would like to go to movie or museum or something else low key.

It's as good a place to start as any.

Dating Life: All He Said Was "Oh"

This past weekend I spoke to a guy I'd been communicating with via email for the first time. It was a strange conversation and I don't mean that in a good way. I can overlook the fact that the guy seemed nervous/socially inept even with his nervous, hyena-like laugh every couple of sentences. He seemed to relax only when talking about his work with lasers. I asked him a couple of questions about lasers, and was able to keep up with the conversation, but I was so bored.

He asked me about the spontaneous drive I took to Vancouver in the summer when I visited Seattle, then told me he used to live in Seattle and had never been to Vancouver. He couldn't think of any decent reason to go there except maybe to see the aquarium and that wasn't a good enough reason.

???

Vancouver is a beautiful city and clearly there's a ton of stuff to see there, but if it's not your scene so be it.

Things took a strange turn when he kept talking about aquariums. He said he'd been to world class Monterey Bay Aquarium, but didn't like it much. I mentioned that I volunteer at an aquarium. His reaction was silence. Usually someone says something like "Oh, do you take care the fish?" or "What do you do there?" Not knowing what else to say I said something like "Yeah, I work with the penguins. I've been doing that for a long time."

"Oh," he said. In the almost 20 years that I've been working with these animals, I have never gotten a reaction like that. The reaction is always one of amazement and curiosity. Questions usually range from: "What do you do with them?" to "What are they like?" or even "Is it cold in their tank?"

All he said was "Oh." He asked no questions about penguins or the aquarium. This was not a good sign. In fact, other than obvious signs of psychosis and violence, I would say this is the worst sign of all.

He ended our conversation with "I think I might want to call you on Sunday." He might want to call me? Perhaps I was being oversensitive, but it sounded really arrogant to me. Thankfully, I haven't heard from him again. Clearly he wasn't into me and I'm certainly not into him.