Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Dark Nighttime

It was a dark night. Yep, one of those really dark nights where I lost track of time, where I even wondered if I'd died and was going through that after-death tunnel some people have talked about.

Spirits floated around my bed all calling to me, telling me my flaws and pointing out how wretchedly boring I am. My dog wouldn't stop farting (a side effect of her meds, she has lymphoma). I was wondering the following questions:
  • What is the point of it all?
  • Do I really want to continue on?
  • Nothing really matters, does it?
  • How am I going to make a living?
  • What the fuck ____? (insert what you want here)
I ran through all the usual major things like love, my writing, my friends and family, my desire to travel, and still I came up with the idea that nothing much matters in the universal scheme of things. Before I went to bed I was walking my dog. It was sometime after 2:00 am. I looked up at the clear sky, the twinkling stars (and they did seem to be twinkling a lot last night), and thought about how beautiful the night was. It made me cry and it wasn't even that cold.

I thought about how insignificant I am, destined to become one of the many hordes of common folk who aren't mentioned in history except as an "American" or part of the "American People," a phrase thrown around by politicians. I don't crave recognition or immortality but I sometimes wonder about the huge abyss that stands between superstars and the woman who's trying to cross the street with her dog without getting hit by a car. Of course, superstars are insignificant too. Their burn out so fast and fall so far that we can't help but notice them, for a time.

After coming up with the idea that nothing much matters I then thought about how I could turn the obvious downer that goes along with it into something positive, such as, if nothing matters then you are truly free. Some people discuss freedom and many others crave it but last night I realized that this is real freedom. It was about 4:30 am when I came up with this idea. I was feeling tired and loopy when I went off on this tangent and the few hours I'd spent embroiled with my own demons were really sinking me in the mire.

My own making, of course. I told myself I should just go to sleep and see what I thought of everything in the morning. I felt much better when I woke up but the realization that I had to make changes was staring me in the face. No longer can I coast along. It's time to get cracking. At least I've been steadily working on the writing, the most important endeavor of my life even if no one reads it. Doesn't matter. I'm doing fine in the grand scheme of insignificance. When no one notices you, it's possible to get away with certain things like living the life you want and sneaking around doing cool things instead of cleaning house and doing laundry.

I can't complain even with all negativity from a few hours earlier. I'm glad this dark nighttime is over.

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